Not in the game

I guess I’m not in the game.

My temperature sang back down to 97.1 today. It’s been doing that, swinging by 5-7 degrees, or more, most days. I keep think the dip is “the dip” and the rise is “the rise”. Yesterday morning, when I finally broke 98.0 I was good to go. I never have a temp in the 98s before I’ve ovulated.

I’ve also never ovulated past CD14 before. Heck, I’ve never had a chart like this. It looks anovulatory. Maybe this is what the charts would have looked like if I had temped during the years and years I never menstruated. Maybe I’m right back where I’ve spent the last four years being terrified I’d return to.

Disappointed doesn’t even begin to cut it. I know it doesn’t seem like a lot, “You’re probably just ovulating late,” is what you want to tell me. Maybe I am. All I know is that for four cycles, when I couldn’t try, everything looked textbook. Perfect. Even when I ovulated early last month, everything looked textbook, perfect.

This month is a shit show. I can finally play the game, and there is no game to play. So I just run around desperately, trying to figure out what the rules are.

I feel broken, betrayed. I feel regret and anger.

I’m so done. I’ve given up. On pretty much every front, I have no hope. I’m never going to get a job, I’m never going to sell my book, we’re never going to buy a house and we’re certainly never going to get pregnant.

I know it sounds defeatist but it’s exactly how I feel.

Now I have to go and get ready for my hardest day of the week, after which I have to meet with a realtor. Won’t that be fun?

I wonder if I’ll make Mi.Vida have dispassionate sex with me. I guess we’ll see.

11 responses

  1. Our bodies are mysteries, to say the least. I’m sorry that you feel so down and out right now. I don’t have any magic words for you other than we have all pretty much been there and things will get better. They will at least even out a bit. It’s your first “real” time out of the gate so cut yourself a little slack. I know last month was very frustrating, too. However, you are armed with amazing knowledge of your body and your cycle. You will figure this out. And if you can’t then you will know when/if the time comes to seek a little help. Thinking of you.

    • Thanks Teejay. Your words mean a lot. I’m just so worried my cycles will never come back, like they used to. But you’re right, if that happens, I do know to take next steps and I know what they should be, or at least I know how to figure out what they should be. I’m just so tired. And I hate that we missed all those awesome chances. I hate regret, and I have so much of it.

  2. Sorry you are feeling this way! I think I know how you feel a little. My temps have been so irregular the past few months I’ve been using Fertility Friend just so it’ll tell me if I ovulated. As if, after all these months of charting, I wouldn’t know. But I need the reassurance. But you know, eventually you will ovulate and you will know it for sure.

    And I never thought I’d say this, but after all my irregular ovulating, I too am getting sick of having sex. Sigh. A problem I never thought I’d have.

    Good luck to you!

    • That is the part that makes me crazy – we can’t have sex, even every other day, indefinitely. We just don’t have it in us. Ugh. I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve worried about it for so long and now it’s happening. I wish I knew why.

      Thanks for checking in, it means so much.

  3. I don’t know anything about charting and temperature taking, perhaps I should go research it before commenting. Hopefully I don’t offend when I ask is it the be all end all? There’s no way you could still be pregnant because of that reading?
    Either way, I’m very sorry about how sad you are, and I understand, I’m having troubles as well. Light and love to us both.

  4. Oh mate, I can relate to this . . . watching the cycles we have ‘tried’ be the wonkiest known to humanity and end up in blood and tears all over again., Watching this current cycle, beautiful rise, no bleeding, perfect. No frigging chance of anything though, unless the immaculate conception wants to happen again.
    Defeatist, whatever. feeling a certain way is ok, labelling it just causes head conflict. Just feel it, go with it, keep breathing. Its shit, disappointing, frustrating and everything else, and it fucks with the sex life, nothing remains sacred

  5. I’m sorry your feeling defeated, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the pain dissapear. I cant say I understand what you are going through as I am on a learning curve into infertility – I am one of the lucky ones myself but am in the process of egg donating for a family member who has been on this journey for years – I guess I am looking for insight into her world through others and hoping to offer support along the way. Take care of yourself. Xx

  6. I haven’t been by in a while, so please excuse me while I catch up. When I responded on twitter today, I was assuming that you were questioning what to do about a series of annovulatory cycles– not one cycle. This could definitely just be a fluke of late ovulation due to stress (sounds like you’re under a lot) or other circumstances. I’m not sure what CD you are on now, but just to give you some hope, I ovulated on CD24 (& that was with the help of Clomid– even the RE had given up hope for that cycle) the cycle I got pregnant with Liam. It *can* happen. Additionally, we didn’t have sex on the day I ovulated.

    Question: Do you have a Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor? If not, would you like one? I’m happy to lend you mine. It might help cut down on some of the pressure regarding timing sex– you don’t have to worry about it until you get a high or peak reading. While charting tells you when you’ve ovulated, it doesn’t predict it– which is pretty stressful when you realized you ovulated…yesterday. If you want it, I’m happy to send it to you. It can take a cycle or two to learn your patterns… but hopefully you won’t even need it that long. 🙂

    Hang in there. I’m thinking of you.

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