I guess I’m not in the game.
My temperature sang back down to 97.1 today. It’s been doing that, swinging by 5-7 degrees, or more, most days. I keep think the dip is “the dip” and the rise is “the rise”. Yesterday morning, when I finally broke 98.0 I was good to go. I never have a temp in the 98s before I’ve ovulated.
I’ve also never ovulated past CD14 before. Heck, I’ve never had a chart like this. It looks anovulatory. Maybe this is what the charts would have looked like if I had temped during the years and years I never menstruated. Maybe I’m right back where I’ve spent the last four years being terrified I’d return to.
Disappointed doesn’t even begin to cut it. I know it doesn’t seem like a lot, “You’re probably just ovulating late,” is what you want to tell me. Maybe I am. All I know is that for four cycles, when I couldn’t try, everything looked textbook. Perfect. Even when I ovulated early last month, everything looked textbook, perfect.
This month is a shit show. I can finally play the game, and there is no game to play. So I just run around desperately, trying to figure out what the rules are.
I feel broken, betrayed. I feel regret and anger.
I’m so done. I’ve given up. On pretty much every front, I have no hope. I’m never going to get a job, I’m never going to sell my book, we’re never going to buy a house and we’re certainly never going to get pregnant.
I know it sounds defeatist but it’s exactly how I feel.
Now I have to go and get ready for my hardest day of the week, after which I have to meet with a realtor. Won’t that be fun?
I wonder if I’ll make Mi.Vida have dispassionate sex with me. I guess we’ll see.