Dumb* Things I Think

*I don’t really like to use that word, but the truth is I really do think these things I think are dumb. Actually, I recognize that they are irrational, totally and completely so. And yet I find them sneaking into my consciousness, making me crazy, stoking my anxiety. It’s one thing for real concerns to cause me worry, it’s quite another for ridiculous conjecture to run my mind ragged. Here are some of my irrational fears/anxieties/concerns. (These are mostly TTC related of course. Nothing brings out the crazy in me like TTC).

– Now that I know first hand how hard caring for a newborn is and what a child can do to our relationship, I don’t feel the all consuming need to have another kid right now (or rather it is tempered by cold doses of reality), which means I won’t get pregnant, because I don’t want it enough.

– Of course I also worry that because I don’t want it as much I’ll get pregnant really quickly and the pregnancy will go off without a hitch and our second child will be born when Isa is in the throes of the terrible twos and it will be really, really hard.

– I’m pretty sure I’m not worried enough about another miscarriage and will therefore definitely have not one, but many.

– It’s obvious to me that if I get an online teaching job I won’t be able to get pregnant because only one good thing can happen at a time. This also extends to me submitting my manuscript to people. Success in one area of my life means I can’t have it in another.

– Of course I’m also worried that I’ll get an online teaching job and get pregnant quickly and be overwhelmed next year working 120% while battling the exhaustion of a pregnancy and trying to wrangle an energetic two year old.

– Right now a LOT of people in my reader are pregnant. Like A TON! And I’m so thrilled for all of them. I’ve followed some of these women through multiple IVFs or losses or both and am just so happy that they are finally pregnant. There is also a nagging suspicion that there isn’t enough pregnancy to go around, that with so many people I “know” pregnant I can’t also be pregnant. And of course I’d rather be the one not pregnant, every one of these women has waited longer and worked harder for her pregnancy than I even had to for my first. If I really can’t get pregnant because they are (I know this is in NO WAY TRUE) I would be happy for them to have that and for me to wait. That is only fair. If anything it makes me ambivalent, like why try if I’ll most certainly not achieve pregnancy, because so many others right now have.

– I also worry I’ll get pregnant quickly and then the woman who have worked harder and longer will lose their pregnancies and I’ll feel horrible guilty.

– I worry that we’ll get pregnant quickly, everything will go fine and I will feel so alienated from the community that I will force myself out.

– I also worry that I won’t get pregnant quickly, or will experience more loss(es) and my foothold in the community will be stronger.I love this community but I don’t love its prerequisites.

As you can see, not only are all of these totally irrational, but there is definitely a damned if you do, damned if you don’t theme running through them. Almost every worry has a contradictory anxiety. It’s so insane! And yet I have to contend with them day in and day out, push them aside, starve them of attention and hope to extinguish the their power over me, only to have them rear their ugly heads once again. The whole thing is such a mess. And I wish I could clean it up and move on, but I can’t.

This is what TTC does to me. It makes me fucking crazy. And I hate it.

What irrational thoughts/fears do you have to deal with in your life? Do any of mine sound familiar?

 

12 responses

  1. Making a life changing decision to TTC is enough to make anyone that has struggled with IF a little crazy. Cut yourself some slack. After suffering a loss or struggling to get pg it’s only natural to have some of these anxieties. Just try not to let them run you over. I know it’s hard, but if you give these fears too much power they will take over and leave you feeling defeated before you have even given yourself a chance to succeed. Slow down and breath…you might have a short road of TTC ahead of you or you might have a long road…if your head is in a good place then you will have no problems accepting whichever path you end up on this time. Most importantly, don’t lose yourself in the journey. (hugs) to you, my dear.

  2. Yep. I have these thoughts, too. I think about how maybe 2.5 years isn’t long enough to complain when others have had it worse. I think about how I’d love to apply for a new job that will pertain to my new degree that I’ll be getting in about a month but wonder if that’s a smart move. What if that’s when I finally get pregnant and have left a stable and understanding job? I think about how I’d love to train for another half-marathon but what if I get pregnant? Well, isn’t that what I wanted most? Does anything else matter as much? I wonder if I will keep up with all the other bloggers as much while they shift their journey to blogging about their pregnancy. Maybe I think too much? You are not alone in having these thoughts. šŸ™‚

  3. All perfectly logical, in its own illogical way. I know I alternate between “if I worry about it too much, it won’t happen” and “if I don’t worry enough, it won’t happen”. All these are just ways of trying to make sense out of something that just doesn’t make that much sense. Normal, but still so hard!

  4. I have had these feelings in one form or another over the years. šŸ™‚

    Some thoughts:

    A yoga teacher once told me “Fear is a misuse of imagination.” I try to use my imagination for positive things ever since she mentioned it. Man, it’s HARD.

    My therapist tells me that anxiety is the mind’s way of creating havoc/smokescreens because it’s afraid of dealing with the root issue or feeling. Whenever I am feeling anxious, it’s a sign that I really need to delve deeply into my feelings.

    Bottom line, though? You are NOT silly or dumb that you have all these feelings. Feel them, then let them go. I feel like TTC and infertility is all about managing the emotions associated with it all; and the better you can to cope with the anxiety when it rears its head, the easier a time you can manage all of the Suck. Just my two cents, though.

  5. I have very similar thoughts probaby every minute of every day. One of the many tortures of this whole business. My current worries are simultaneously that I might be and that I might not be pregnant. Because either way, I’ll find some reason to worry about it, so why not start now? I hope you can find–and cherish–a few moments of peace amidst the anxiety.

  6. Oh, the last one is 100% me. I was a little relieved blog-wise to have a third miscarriage because it cemented my place in the ALI community. Sick, huh? I don’t think it’s strange at all for you to have these thoughts – even the ones that can’t happen simultaneously.

  7. Oh yes. I can relate to many of them (but not the 2 year old or manuscript ones). But namely “ā€™I’m pretty sure Iā€™m not worried enough about another miscarriage and will therefore definitely have not one, but many” resonates, in that I have stated I feel like I could manage at least 1 more 1st trimester miscarriage (maybe its been too long since my last miscarriage and the memory of just how shitty it is has faded?) maybe two, given the reality of what we are dealing with? Leads me to be concerned that I will get them and more, AND 2nd-3rd tri mc’s and have to make a decision whether to terminate for medical reasons – I worry that because I have identified that which I most fear (labouring out a dead fetus and/or tmfr) I would draw the experience to me.
    But by the same token, if I don’t anticipate all that could happen, I get blind-sided by an unexpected hurty sitch and that may or may not be far worse. Control freak, much?

    Yes, crazy – I feel the same about ‘crazy’ as you seem to about ‘dumb’. But its, in its own morbid way, good to know we’re not alone in our dumb craziness

  8. I don’t think these thoughts are dumb, or crazy, or even illogical at all. Some are very real and very justified fears about the potential emotional fallout of different possible scenarios – both personally and socially. Some are, yes, magical thinking, but EVERYBODY does that to some degree or another. All the more when it’s about something we have no control over, but are tremendously invested in the outcome. Tiny example – my friend fixed the wheel on the stroller we’d borrowed from her – just popped it back on, and then told me that God helped her do it (so I wouldn’t feel bad that I couldn’t fix it?) People are funny that way. It’s how our minds work.

    So hard, though, to feel like you’re in the grip of this anxiety because man that’s just no fun at all. I hope you can find some peace, some calm in the eye of the storm.

    Un fuerte abrazo, amiga.

  9. LOTS of these sound familiar.

    But … I will also say that lots of women in my reader have gotten pregnant over the past year, and there is an amazing crop of new babies. So I’m going to imagine that I am in relationships with good karma, and am spreading it through comments. You should, too. šŸ™‚

    This is not an easy place to be … and all you can do is be where you are. *hug*

  10. Right there with you, and crazier since I’ve got all sorts of crazy guilt BS running through my head also, which I will spare you because it’s way too crazy even for the blogosphere.

  11. You could win a gold medal in worrying! Though you’d have to compete against me, my mother, my best friend, and a bunch of other people I know. I think it’s called “being a woman.”

    OK – want to hear some of the nagging worries I’ve had lately?

    Maybe the reason I didn’t have children is because I’m a) going to get melanoma (like a friend) and die young, or b) my TGN is going to get worse and I’d never have been able to care for a child with it as well.

    That if the above happens, everyone will think “oh well, at least it happened to her and not [insert name here] because she doesn’t have children her life’s not as valuable.”

    That I’ve actually had a lot of luck in my life (travel, education, good jobs, a brain that usually works well) and it’s going to run out.

    etc etc etc

    You’re not crazy – I get it.

    The only thing I can say is that I think these things, then force myself to think “worrying is not going to change things, it’s just going to make me feel like crap.” Doesn’t always work – but it does sometimes!

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