*I don’t really like to use that word, but the truth is I really do think these things I think are dumb. Actually, I recognize that they are irrational, totally and completely so. And yet I find them sneaking into my consciousness, making me crazy, stoking my anxiety. It’s one thing for real concerns to cause me worry, it’s quite another for ridiculous conjecture to run my mind ragged. Here are some of my irrational fears/anxieties/concerns. (These are mostly TTC related of course. Nothing brings out the crazy in me like TTC).
– Now that I know first hand how hard caring for a newborn is and what a child can do to our relationship, I don’t feel the all consuming need to have another kid right now (or rather it is tempered by cold doses of reality), which means I won’t get pregnant, because I don’t want it enough.
– Of course I also worry that because I don’t want it as much I’ll get pregnant really quickly and the pregnancy will go off without a hitch and our second child will be born when Isa is in the throes of the terrible twos and it will be really, really hard.
– I’m pretty sure I’m not worried enough about another miscarriage and will therefore definitely have not one, but many.
– It’s obvious to me that if I get an online teaching job I won’t be able to get pregnant because only one good thing can happen at a time. This also extends to me submitting my manuscript to people. Success in one area of my life means I can’t have it in another.
– Of course I’m also worried that I’ll get an online teaching job and get pregnant quickly and be overwhelmed next year working 120% while battling the exhaustion of a pregnancy and trying to wrangle an energetic two year old.
– Right now a LOT of people in my reader are pregnant. Like A TON! And I’m so thrilled for all of them. I’ve followed some of these women through multiple IVFs or losses or both and am just so happy that they are finally pregnant. There is also a nagging suspicion that there isn’t enough pregnancy to go around, that with so many people I “know” pregnant I can’t also be pregnant. And of course I’d rather be the one not pregnant, every one of these women has waited longer and worked harder for her pregnancy than I even had to for my first. If I really can’t get pregnant because they are (I know this is in NO WAY TRUE) I would be happy for them to have that and for me to wait. That is only fair. If anything it makes me ambivalent, like why try if I’ll most certainly not achieve pregnancy, because so many others right now have.
– I also worry I’ll get pregnant quickly and then the woman who have worked harder and longer will lose their pregnancies and I’ll feel horrible guilty.
– I worry that we’ll get pregnant quickly, everything will go fine and I will feel so alienated from the community that I will force myself out.
– I also worry that I won’t get pregnant quickly, or will experience more loss(es) and my foothold in the community will be stronger.I love this community but I don’t love its prerequisites.
As you can see, not only are all of these totally irrational, but there is definitely a damned if you do, damned if you don’t theme running through them. Almost every worry has a contradictory anxiety. It’s so insane! And yet I have to contend with them day in and day out, push them aside, starve them of attention and hope to extinguish the their power over me, only to have them rear their ugly heads once again. The whole thing is such a mess. And I wish I could clean it up and move on, but I can’t.
This is what TTC does to me. It makes me fucking crazy. And I hate it.
What irrational thoughts/fears do you have to deal with in your life? Do any of mine sound familiar?