I know it’s not about me but it’s brought up a lot of shit for me, as I know it has for many other bloggers. I’ve experienced conflicting emotions about it. I’ve oscillated between feeling (and have sometimes simultaneously felt) regretful, empathetic, upset, betrayed, vilified, misrepresented, misunderstood, confused, angry, frustrated, flummoxed, flabbergasted, flattened. So many adjectives, and many, evidently, that start with “F”.
I have to admit, I have a lot that I want to say right now. A LOT. But I’m not going to say it. For the first time in my almost three year blogging career I’m not going to write what I want to write. For the first time I don’t feel free to use this space to figure out how I feel, to use my readership as a sounding board. I don’t feel I can work through this in my writing, at least not writing I would ever hope to publish and frankly, I know that if I’m going to get clarification I would need people to read it.
But for the first time I don’t feel like I can ask the questions I want to ask without being further vilified, without the villagers with pitchforks coming out to crucify me.
And that makes me incredibly sad. Because I feel like I have valid concerns and I’d love to be able to make sense of all that is going on but I don’t feel like I can say a damn thing.
I am indignant. And discouraged.
I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never felt like I needed to censor myself, at least not on the important stuff. For better or worse I’ve put myself out there, I’ve worked through my shit, I’ve gotten support. But on this stuff, in the current climate, I don’t feel I can do that. At all.
I’ve been talking to Mi.Vida about this, trying to figure out how I feel and what I want to say. He’s helped me realize that in this instance I need to know exactly what I hope to accomplish and whether I’m prepared to accept the consequence of accomplishing it.
And I’m not sure on either count so I’m saying nothing. And I’m realizing that I’ve never had to say nothing because I’ve never had to be sure, of either my intent or accepting the consequences, because this community used to be about putting it out there and letting people help you figure it out, to help you find your way.
Not anymore. Not about certain things.
I’m glad I’m taking a break right now. I’m grateful I’m not posting my thoughts at the moment because honestly, this community doesn’t feel all that inviting. Some hurtful things have been said, I’m sure I’ve said some hurtful things myself, at least I’m sure others have taken what I said to be hurtful, though hurting was never my intent. And maybe it wasn’t the intent of others but it’s hard, in some cases, to trust that’s the case. Some of the comments on Mel’s blog right now are incredibly hurtful and I don’t see how anyone could argue that they weren’t meant to be just that.
I have to admit, I’ve never felt this way about this community. I’ve never felt like I might have to pick sides or worry about being black balled. I’ve never in my blogging “life” been afraid of “villagers with pitchforks” as someone put it on Mel’s blog. But that is how I feel now. And it’s a shame because I feel this could have been a real opportunity for open dialogue, for honest concerns to be heard, for true needs to be met. Instead everyone is cowering and afraid. At least most people are. And understandably. I am. And I commend those who are standing tall, saying what they need to say.
If you want to read a post where someone actually says something about all this–in an eloquent and purposeful way no less–you can do so here. It’s a must read. Truly.
I, on the other hand will go gently into that good night. Sorry Dylan Thomas, I know it’s not what you recommend but this time I feel I have no choice.
UPDATE: So it turns out I actually kind of kamikazeed into the night. I guess Dylan Thomas would be proud?