Well, you guys, AF finally came which means that I’m the first-time owner of a shiny new, 28 day textbook cycle, complete with 14 day LP! I really can’t believe it. Never, in all my many, many months of charting have I ever had a 28 day cycle and I’ve never had longer than an 11 day LP. I guess the B6 really worked! Now if only I can keep having these kinds of cycles when we start trying, I’ll really be on a roll.
So, today is Confessional Fridays and I do have something to confess. I must admit, I’ve been kind of excited to blog while TTC. I’ve never really had that experience before. The last time I was TTC I felt so completely and utterly alone, the only community I found was on the Fer.tilityFri.end boards, but I used those mostly to get answers to questions I had about supplements or other things. The FF boards were a place to discuss the physical minutia of the current cycle, to makes sense of the differences between cycles and to understand the symptoms I might feel on any given day. I did not use that forum to tackle the emotional turmoil I was experience, and for the most part, neither did anyone else. And while I was relieved to have found a refuge where my obsessions about cervical mucous (or a complete lack there of) weren’t considered crazy, I longed for a place where I could honestly express how devastated all of it was making me.
And now I have that place, and yet I don’t feel all that excited to talk about it. Because the reality is, I don’t think anyone wants to listen.
I get it. I understand why people don’t want to listen. Many of my readers are past this point in their lives and being faced with it is at best boring, at worst horribly painful. Even of the women who are considering cycling again after having a first child, many don’t feel emotionally prepared to delve into the subject yet; reading about my attempts make them face their overwhelming anxieties about their own future struggles. I don’t blame anyone for not caring much about my TTC experience and I harbor no hurt feelings about it, I’m just bummed out that I missed the boat on this. I regret that I never had this place when I needed it, when others might have been interested in what I had to say. And I regret that now, when I do have it, it’s not the experience I’d hoped it would be.
And before you tell me this is my space, and I can write whatever I want, please know that I’m aware of this. And I will. I will write what I need to write, when I need to write it, but it’s a distinct thing, writing with knowledge that it’s just for you, and writing with the expectation of support.
The truth is, this community can be a very complicated place and difficult to navigate. While I would never dream of abandoning it for these reasons, I also don’t think it’s traitorous to point them out.
Of course I would be remiss in not mentioning that the prospect of suffering a loss is less harrowing knowing that I have this community to lean on. With the exception of Mi.Vida (who was wonderful beyond words) I had absolutely no one during my ectopic and I know the isolation made the whole experience infinitely worse. Knowing that I would be propped up by this community if something horrible were to occur absolutely gives me strength. When my anxious mind runs through tragedy after unthinkable tragedy, the only thing that brings me comfort is the guarantee that you all would be there for me. I have no doubt that you would be.
I guess this is as good a time as any to make my other confession. Yesterday I mentioned some of my great fears in this round of TTC, but I left one out. I will admit, it’s a smaller fear than continual BFNs or pregnancy loss, but I think about it almost as frequently: What will happen if I do get pregnant right away? How will I “show my face” here, on my blog, in the comment sections of others, in this community, if I get pregnant right away?
Already writing about TTC here makes me feel like a fraud. I’m not worried about how I’m going to pay for another round of IVF or whether or not my frozen embryos will thaw and transfer. I’m not stressing over the protocol of any kind of ART, or the home study for a second adoption. All I need to worry about, at least all I think that I need to worry about, is lengthening my LP and hoping whether my chances of another ectopic are as high as they were before I had Isa. My attempts at TTC make it glaringly obvious how fraudulent my membership in this community really is. It’s like I’m offering a fake passport up for inspection, again and again, hoping no one will realize that it’s printed on bleached bullshit.
So yeah, volleying against my fears of loss and struggle is the opposite fear of pregnancy easily achieved, of losing my already tenuous foothold in this community, of finally and irrevocably being cast out, evicted, deported back to the Land of the Fertile. And while it doesn’t scare me as much as pregnancy loss, it too would be a tragic fate, one I would mourn dearly.