If you’re gonna spew, spew in this…

I’m sorry you guys. I can’t help it. I’m standing here with my hand over my mouth willing it to stay back but I just can’t contain it.

I’m about to thought-vomit all over this post.

Let the spewing commence.

I know I’m supposed to be imparting sage advice today but the truth is I can’t think of one measly piece of wisdom to bestow. Not one. I’m not all that good at anything and I don’t have any tricks up my sleeve. If I do they’d be copyrighted anyway (Ha! Irony is not dead!) I’d tell you to be mindful but I suck at that myself and if there is anything that really busts my chops it’s a blatant hypocrite.

The truth is I’m totally drained right now. I’m emerging from a cave of strangeness and my mind is murky. Also, in the space between that sentence and this one, Mi.Vida and I engaged in a terse exchanged about money. Isn’t it peculiar how the sentences on the page sit together like they were born that way, one after another with no pauses in between when in reality dishes might have been washed, teeth brushed, showers enjoyed, dinner eaten, all between the keystrokes of one word and another.

My 9:30pm alarm just went off. It’s called 30 MINUTES BITCHES and is supposed to remind me to stop whatever I’m doing and get ready for bed. I never, ever heed its call.

I can’t believe I haven’t written since Thursday. I can’t believe my Found Book Tour post has been at the top of my page for six days. Man, that post sparked some intense conversation. I think that was part of the reason I haven’t been back in so long. I needed to clear my head… and my heart. I needed to let the dust settle from what felt like (very respectful and well intentioned) conversational scuffles. That whole exchange was a thousands times more intense than I was expecting. It sent me reeling, caused me to retreat. I still haven’t read any of the third day posts. For that I feel guilty.

Other responsibilities conspired against my writing this past week. Real life obligations that pulled me away, that busied me. None of them were of much interest and so I won’t touch on them here except to share what I learned.

1. Weekends where Mi.Vida and I stay home with Isa are long and friction inducing. By the end of them we’re both almost itching to return to work, or to just get away from the other for a while.

2. Mi.Vida and I have very different parenting techniques. This can be difficult. See number 1.

3. I need to always have at least one “event” planned during the weekend, lest I lose my mind. A trip to Trader Joes is an insufficient substitute for said required event. Also, see number 1.

4. Yeast rashes suck. Yeast rashes with cloth diapers sucks big sweaty balls. Also, tea tree oil is fucking expensive and treating every piece of our cloth diapering arsenal for yeast costs us over $30 in quarters.

5. I will never truly be happy in life until I own a washer and dryer unit that resides in my personal living space. See number 4.

6. Not grading papers for a month and a half will have serious and unavoidable consequences, such as many hours of marathon scoring over several days.

7. Also the accuracy with which one is able to score papers is directly proportional to the amount of time one has to score them. See number 6.

7. Yoga is one of the most positive influences in my life. I have reason to believe it has bolstered my immune system as well as improved my general health and emotional well being.  It also makes me look and feel fantastic. (So I’m told. ::blushes::)

8. My parents are incredible and my quality of life would be greatly reduced without their presence and support.

9. My daughter is amazing. The extreme highs and lows I experience with her are without parallel.

10. The time it takes to create sub plans for a day of missed school almost negates missing that day of school. Almost. 

Our apartment is under construction. By some miracle our landlord not only agrees that our mold problem is serious but is replacing several windows in an attempt to reduce moisture in our unit. The work was supposed to be done today but (not shockingly) wasn’t. Currently four of the six rooms in our apartment are basically unusable. Only Isa’s room and kitchen are untouched. Tomorrow I have to schlep everything I need to shower and brush my teeth into the bathroom, then I need to shlep it all back (to where exactly?!) when I’m done. The greatest tragedy is that I’ll probably be too lazy to move the space heater in there when I shower and change. Normally I wouldn’t be too concerned but it’s been getting down below freezing in San Francisco lately. We’re not used to that kind of cold around these parts! (Have I mentioned we don’t have central heating?) I am not looking forward to 6am tomorrow morning. Not one bit.

I have been having a hard time writing about my daughter on my blog. I hardly mention her on Twitter anymore either. I’m not sure what that’s about. Like right then, at the beginning of this paragraph, I considered writing about what a great day I had with her at a local children’s museum but in the end I just couldn’t do it. I don’t know why. It’s not that I don’t adore her more than words can say, because I do, I just don’t feel all that compelled to write about her right now. Or do I feel guilty doing it? I don’t know what that is about and I oscillate between should-I-be-concerned? and genuine curiosity. I really want to write a post documenting all that she can do now, because the last month has been insane in terms of her development, but I just can’t seem to put the words on the page. Hopefully I can man up and just do it (and figure out what my deal is in the process).

Yesterday was Time Warp Tuesday and I missed it. That makes me sad. I thought long and hard about a “turnaround” post to revisit. In the end I decided I’d go back to my TTC days and talk about how much has changed since then. But then I started thinking about how scared I am to TTC again and how most days I just wish, more than anything, I was done building my family because then I could release the myriad fears and anxieties I have about all the gazillion things that could go wrong. Sometimes I feel like every day this community introduces me to some new and horrifying affliction my future child might die of either in utero or shortly after birth. Just having another baby, and knowing whether or not I need to face one of these insurmountable challenges will bring me such incredible piece of mind. Even if something bad happens at least I’ll know what it is and deal with it. It’s this not knowing that kills me. Sometimes it’s too much.

It’s these times when I realize how scared I am to start TTC again in a few short months. I feel like I need to build up my reserves, both mentally and physically, for the path that lies ahead. And while I still have hope that I might enjoy the journey, most of the time I just want to get to the destination already. Seriously, I just want to know.

End hurl.

Man, I feel better already.

11 responses

  1. That’s a LOT of stuff going on. Luckily, I had my barf bag ready.

    I could not agree about how draining the book tour was. Wisdom was gained but powerful questions were also raised and uncomfortable things said. I really don’t even know WHAT to think about it all,

    I hope your window situation is remedied ASAP. I know it should make a dramatic improvement to your living conditions.

  2. Hope your home is quickly put back together. Living in a construction zone sucks. I understand the need to want to get it out. Unfortunately it’s not always easy. Best of luck. I hope everything comes out in the end!

  3. poor Isa! And poor you.

    There’s a lot in here. I hope that you’re taking care of yourself. I think I’ve said this to you before, but there is a lot of wisdom in the flight instructions to put your mask on first before you help others. Yoga is a good start.

    And I’ve always thought that your blog is more about you than about your daughter. Certainly she is the center of your world sometimes, but what you write about is not her struggles and triumphs, but yours. That’s why you’re not a “mommy-blogger.” 🙂

  4. I have been hiding from blog land too this week.. I only read some of the book tour pieces ( you had some lovely comments over on M’s) and had to just take a break. It was all too intense. Like this french film that I once saw that evoked this unnamed emotion that 10 years later I just can’t find a word for. I still don’t know what it was about some of the conversations on the book tour that create this feeling. The closest thing I could think of is seeing a bunch of people from different cultures all try to talk and all try to interact, but everyone is slightly getting the cultural cues wrong, and I am in the back cringing feeling like something is off, people are setting each other off.. but I just can’t figure out if that is the case or I’m making it up… and so i hide.

    .. but back to you. I really hear you when you say “I feel like I need to build up my reserves, both mentally and physically, for the path that lies ahead.” Seriously, the waiting is worse because ALL the bad and good possibilities are there to prepare for — rather than when you are reacting to ONE thing that has happened. I wish you the best in your path to TTC again…. and in the near future, I hope the grading weight gets lifted off your shoulders soon. I always found knowing I had a mounting of marking to do more tiring than any other normal thing. Is there anyone (or 2 or 3?) who would meet you at a coffeeshop and plow through those with you one Saturday afternoon?

  5. Wow, that was an amazing mind dump. It felt cathartic for me.

    I kind of stalled in the parts where you were talking about yoga, your parents and your daughter because it was such a pleasant place that I needed to be in.

  6. Wow- you do have a lot going on. So much to comment on…

    I am sorry the book tour turned into such an intense thing, but glad it was respectful.

    I could not agree more about the weekend plans thing. I cannot be at home with my husband all weekend long- last weekend, being a long one for him, was just too much. It was ineveitable we would get into a fight, and of course, it was about money. So I completely get it. Sometimes making plans and going to DO something makes you feel so much more relaxed and rested than sitting at home all weekend.

    Does your apartment have the necessary hookups for a washer and dryer? It may be worth it to look into getting them if not. Especially if you are going to cloth diaper baby #2. And people sell great washers and dryers on Craigslist all the time. When we upgraded to a frontloader, we sold our toploaders literally within 5 minutes of posting on CL.

    Can you have your students trade papers to grade? I used to do that and it saved SO much time. I HATED grading papers- ugh.

    Am I annoying you with these questions?

    Also, I am so glad you are getting your mold problem taken care of. But how annoying to have it disrupt your living space. Ugh- hope that is taken care of quickly!

    I hope life calms down for you some in the next few weeks and you have a good, restful weekend (with plans 🙂 )

  7. Glad I’m not the only one who feels that way about weekends! I’m so focused on how hard it is to be home alone with J, it’s actually nice to hear that it is hard with a spouse home too (not that that helps you any).

    Hope the work on your unit is done soon!

  8. What’s wrong with blogging about TTC? It’s something that’s on your mind, it’s emotional, it’s physical, it’s all consuming. This is your safe place right? Write about what you want!

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