Craptastic is my new favorite word

I’m in a dreary place right now. Decidedly unpleasant.

I would say that I’m trying to get out of it but really, I’m not. My therapist says that sometimes we feel craptastic and when that is the case, our best bet is to just accept it without fighting. I’m not advising that people wallow in the dumpiness, but sometimes we just need to feel it, in the hopes of eventually moving on.

So yeah, I plan on taking a big crap on WordPress right now and then pressing publish. If you’re not interested in that kind of thing than by all means, click away. No one would fault you, least of all me.

So, why not just drop the first big bomb shall we?

I’m having a hard time reading pregnancy blogs. There, I said it. Really, I’m having a hard time with anything pregnancy related, but I’m most commonly exposed to pregnancy via my reader. It turns out I’m following quite a few pregnant ladies right now and while I’m so elated for their success, I just can’t really handle all the exposure.

The truth is, I was expecting to be trying right now. Heck I was expecting to already have been four months into trying right now. But I’m not and while I’m so thankful for our current plan and I recognize how far we’ve come as a couple there is a part of me that wishes things were different. I’m attempting to be okay with where I am by focusing on all that I do have right now and it’s hard to be pulled back into pregnancy stuff a couples of times a day. I guess it’s just hard to not focus on how I can’t work on getting pregnant when I’m reading about how other people already are pregnant. Does that make sense? I’m sure I sound like a total bitch right now and if so, then so be it. If my warning that I was about to take a crap all over my blog wasn’t enough to make you click away, maybe this will be. Please do if you need to, you’ll hear no argument from me.

The transition back from winter vacation has been… difficult. Shifting sleep up two hours, trying to get sustenance in me before class starts, dealing with my Prima Fuss daughter – who is shirking her own sleep opportunities on a daily basis, making up for returning to work completely unprepared (wait, progress reports are due when?!?!?!), spending so much of my day commuting. It’s just no fun.

Really the problem lies in how woefully ill-considered my plans were at work. I made a lot of assumptions about materials being ready that weren’t and I’ve spent all week trying to create them in time to use them when I had hoped to. I’m also a good month behind in my grading and grades need to be updated after the long weekend. But it’s okay, that’s what weekends are for right? To clean up when work takes a big dump all over you? Yep, I’m pretty sure that’s what weekends are for.

And then there is the double edged sword that is my newfound success at house cleaning. I got an app for my phone that gives me tasks to do around the house every day. This has been a godsend in that for the first time, IN MY LIFE, I’m keeping my house relatively clean. On the one hand I feel fabulous about that. (Did I mention that I have NEVER managed to do this before, not even for a week?) On the other hand I’m coming to terms with the amount of effort, and time, it requires. Turns out I wasn’t sweeping the halls or mopping the kitchen regularly because IT TAKES A SHIT TON OF TIME. Now that I’m doing it I feel less stress living in my tiny apartment but I’ve also had to give up considerable personal time. And right now personal time is more precious than just about anything.

I know this is just a transition and that ultimately having 30 minutes of me time instead of an hour is something I will come to terms with, but right now it feels really fucking hard.

The reality of it is I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired right now. I’m getting five to six hours of sleep a night; I’m literally slapping myself to stay awake on the drive home from work. I have no provisions at school so I’m sneaking peanut butter cups from the secretary’s desk and convincing myself they count for breakfast. At night I’m trying desperately to get the pages done for this packet or make the extra credit review for that class. I’m having those stressed out kind of dreams that make you cringe in your sleep and cause your jaw to hurt for the rest of the next day. It’s just all too much, too fast and I’m totally drowning in it.

I feel completely and utterly underwater.

Luckily this weekend isn’t all that booked up and if I use my time wisely I can get back on track. Until that happens I just have to try desperately to tred water, despite the strong currently pulling me under. Friday is just around the corner. It’s so close…

On a much happier note, I almost just lost this post but when I clicked back it was still here. Thank you universe, I really needed that one. It did not go unappreciated I promise you.

How are you doing this week? Anything craptastic to share? I’m all ears!

15 responses

  1. There’s an ebb and flow and sometimes thing just suck! So why not call out the suckage and get it out of your head and into WordPress.

    I’m impressed with your new commitment to housekeeping. If I weren’t so cheap, both with my time and my $$, I’d spring the 8 bucks to do the same.

    Abiding with you while you’re in the dumps. XO

  2. Oh i hear you on the hunger at school and the slap happy drive home… and the fatigue. I was never more tired than in my twenties when I worked as a school speech therapist. I took a 2 hour nap some days when I got home. Some days, I just pulled over and slept for 2o minutes in my car.

    Yup.. some days are craptastic, no way around it. If not for you, then for others. It just keeps spinning around and picking all of us up for awhile, then moves on.

    I also am working on doing more to keep my work and living space a bit cleaner (the Italians here give me plenty of free guilt about it). The only thin that works for me is to (a) do it when it is a guilty pleasure — i.e., in my current job I can go to work late, so I go stay home and clean and somehow it feels wonderful to be cleaning rather than going to work on Monday! Maybe because I’ve always had school jobs, and you really can never stay home unless it snows … alot… (b) I now have a portable speakers that i can pop my ipod into, so I can easily carry tunes and podcasts and audio books from room to room while cleaning. It isn’t true personal time, but when I add the dance moves, it is fake gym, leisure time and meanwhile the house sort of gets clean, and the other people in the hosue seem to leave me alone if I am cleaning…. 🙂

    Hang in there…

  3. Sorry you are feeling this way. Your therapist is right; sometimes you just feel craptastic and then it goes away. Either the problem itself goes away, or you just start to feel better about it. I bet when you get caught up with work you’ll feel better, even if it makes for a fairly busy weekend.

    I think I need to find that app for housekeeping. I think part of the reason my house has been cleaner lately is that i’m doing it in 15-30 minutes a day, not one big chunk. It’s still pretty dirty, though. 🙂

    Thanks for all your support on my blog lately, too. I hope things look up for you soon.

    P.S. I admit I was laughing, in an ironic way, at “four months into trying”. A fertile would call that “three months pregnant.” But no.

  4. Can I just say: THAT’S A LOT OF WORK! Sorry, I said it in all caps to get your attention. No wonder you’re drowning. Like Lori said, abiding with you.

    Since you asked, I’m having a shitastic week. Both the kids are sick which means no school which means full days with them while I am functioning on 30% energy and Darcy’s working his ass off, so no help there. And next week he’s going away on business. Trying not to freak out…and failing.

    Thanks for the vent: I both needed to read one and apparently give one.

  5. I’ve also been nothing but craptastic lately.. Between trying to get my H to make up his damn mind about whether he’s willing to put his balls on the line for our future family and crappy things happening to my family back home, I’m just ready to sail away, far far away..

  6. I’m so sorry you’re drowing right now. It sucks not having stuff ready at school- makes for really long days. I hope you can find some time to get some more sleep too and eat a good breakfast- sorry, I sound like a mother 🙂

    Pregnancy related stuff is bumming me out too. Sucks 😦

  7. Oh man! So glad you didn’t lose it. All that bitching would have been for nothing. Sorry you’re feeling like this, I know it all too well. And what is that app? It sounds fantastic! I also find breakfast during the weekday to be completely inconvenient. I mean, I just don’t have time for that shit, and yet I need it! So annoying.

    Here’s something craptastic that happened just yesterday — I was looking on my ex-colleague’s computer for a file that I needed and I happened upon the scoring criteria and results they used for the hiring process that ultimately I got the job for. WELL, here I am thinking I was the prize applicant that they couldn’t wait to hire, when it turns out I was #5 on the list and only got the job by default because 1-4 turned them down! And to make matters worse, #5 was the average and according to my boss I was actually #7 (out of 11!). I also read that one of my colleagues (who is my favorite here) actually said I was cocky in my cover letter. Aren’t you supposed to be cocky in your cover letter? I mean, how can you not be? So basically my already bruised ego (it’s been taking a beating these last two years) was crushed even more yesterday. I had a hard time interacting with my boss after that. Lame since it was years ago and before they really knew me, but still, I can’t shake it. Craptastic.

  8. I subscribe to some kind of “house honcho” email list, and I get a tidy lil’ daily email with 3 tasks to complete. Have I ever done them? Er, perhaps once or twice. Over the last year. So, kudos to you for keeping up with your chores! There is something kind of freeing about tidiness, even though it takes time. I always seem to feel better the day after a big cleaning (because the day of I am just one mega bitch, pissing and moaning). Anyway…

    Sorry, you’re in the craptastic druthers. Genuinely. I hope things temper a little after the weekend. I know it’s easier said than done, and I am an absolute hipocrite in saying this, but take care of yourself. You gotsta.

    Also, I read this today, and reread it and read it again hoping it’d sink in for me: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-lessons-about-being-present-freedom-is-where-my-feet-are/ Thought you might find some wisdom in there, too….

  9. I’m sorry that it’s been such a suckfest. (Which is just about as good as craptastic.)

    Sometimes when the world is taking a dump on me, I have to reprioritize. I cannot tell you, for example, how often I mop my kitchen floor. It’s not every week, that’s for sure. I do clean up things when I see them and take a wet towel around the edges, but I’m hardly Cinderella.

    Hoping you find balance soon …

  10. and … it’s completely understandable that you’re not feeling like reading pregnancy blogs. You owe it to yourself to be kind to you … and that may mean taking a break from some things that make you feel badly.

  11. First off, what is this app?? Secondly, I’m sorry you’re feeling craptastic. I know the feeling. I’ve overslept everday this week and had really disturbing dreams and feel like the world in general is out to get me sometimes. I’m hoping this week is less craptastic for both of us.

  12. I feel you. So much. The exhaustion. And then the resentment that comes with little to no personal time. And then the realization that I hate living in a messy house, but I hate cleaning even more…Gd. It’s tiring. I don’t really have anything helpful to say, but I am sending you a hug.

  13. Wow. I am so glad you didn’t lose this entry. It really spoke to me. As I read it my heart went out to you. I could see what you meant and it touched me. Thank you for expressing the words others were afraid to say. Let it out!

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