I’m in a dreary place right now. Decidedly unpleasant.
I would say that I’m trying to get out of it but really, I’m not. My therapist says that sometimes we feel craptastic and when that is the case, our best bet is to just accept it without fighting. I’m not advising that people wallow in the dumpiness, but sometimes we just need to feel it, in the hopes of eventually moving on.
So yeah, I plan on taking a big crap on WordPress right now and then pressing publish. If you’re not interested in that kind of thing than by all means, click away. No one would fault you, least of all me.
So, why not just drop the first big bomb shall we?
I’m having a hard time reading pregnancy blogs. There, I said it. Really, I’m having a hard time with anything pregnancy related, but I’m most commonly exposed to pregnancy via my reader. It turns out I’m following quite a few pregnant ladies right now and while I’m so elated for their success, I just can’t really handle all the exposure.
The truth is, I was expecting to be trying right now. Heck I was expecting to already have been four months into trying right now. But I’m not and while I’m so thankful for our current plan and I recognize how far we’ve come as a couple there is a part of me that wishes things were different. I’m attempting to be okay with where I am by focusing on all that I do have right now and it’s hard to be pulled back into pregnancy stuff a couples of times a day. I guess it’s just hard to not focus on how I can’t work on getting pregnant when I’m reading about how other people already are pregnant. Does that make sense? I’m sure I sound like a total bitch right now and if so, then so be it. If my warning that I was about to take a crap all over my blog wasn’t enough to make you click away, maybe this will be. Please do if you need to, you’ll hear no argument from me.
The transition back from winter vacation has been… difficult. Shifting sleep up two hours, trying to get sustenance in me before class starts, dealing with my Prima Fuss daughter – who is shirking her own sleep opportunities on a daily basis, making up for returning to work completely unprepared (wait, progress reports are due when?!?!?!), spending so much of my day commuting. It’s just no fun.
Really the problem lies in how woefully ill-considered my plans were at work. I made a lot of assumptions about materials being ready that weren’t and I’ve spent all week trying to create them in time to use them when I had hoped to. I’m also a good month behind in my grading and grades need to be updated after the long weekend. But it’s okay, that’s what weekends are for right? To clean up when work takes a big dump all over you? Yep, I’m pretty sure that’s what weekends are for.
And then there is the double edged sword that is my newfound success at house cleaning. I got an app for my phone that gives me tasks to do around the house every day. This has been a godsend in that for the first time, IN MY LIFE, I’m keeping my house relatively clean. On the one hand I feel fabulous about that. (Did I mention that I have NEVER managed to do this before, not even for a week?) On the other hand I’m coming to terms with the amount of effort, and time, it requires. Turns out I wasn’t sweeping the halls or mopping the kitchen regularly because IT TAKES A SHIT TON OF TIME. Now that I’m doing it I feel less stress living in my tiny apartment but I’ve also had to give up considerable personal time. And right now personal time is more precious than just about anything.
I know this is just a transition and that ultimately having 30 minutes of me time instead of an hour is something I will come to terms with, but right now it feels really fucking hard.
The reality of it is I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired right now. I’m getting five to six hours of sleep a night; I’m literally slapping myself to stay awake on the drive home from work. I have no provisions at school so I’m sneaking peanut butter cups from the secretary’s desk and convincing myself they count for breakfast. At night I’m trying desperately to get the pages done for this packet or make the extra credit review for that class. I’m having those stressed out kind of dreams that make you cringe in your sleep and cause your jaw to hurt for the rest of the next day. It’s just all too much, too fast and I’m totally drowning in it.
I feel completely and utterly underwater.
Luckily this weekend isn’t all that booked up and if I use my time wisely I can get back on track. Until that happens I just have to try desperately to tred water, despite the strong currently pulling me under. Friday is just around the corner. It’s so close…
On a much happier note, I almost just lost this post but when I clicked back it was still here. Thank you universe, I really needed that one. It did not go unappreciated I promise you.
How are you doing this week? Anything craptastic to share? I’m all ears!