My Sunshine

There is a pattern on my blog. It crops up every once in a while. It usually begins with three of four despondent posts about one subject or another and then ends with a piece about gratitude. What happens is I come to this place to hash out the difficult things. This is where I lay out my demons for all to see. I do that both to get them out of my own head (and heart) so that I can hopefully move past them, and to get some perspective on them from others. These posts never paint the whole picture, much of what is really going on gets cropped out. These posts generally have one focus and that focus is frequently negative. But after three or four anguished posts I usually decide that I owe it to myself, and my readers, to remember the positive for a post or two, lest it be suspected that I am ungrateful.

That last line was a joke, of course, but only kind of. Being a “member” of this “community” I feel especially sensitive to the importance of gratitude, but even if it weren’t for my “audience” I’d still feel the need to take a step back and assure others – and remind myself – that there is not only good in my life, but that I see it.

Right now I am being forced to consider the future of my relationship in ways I never expected, and I am burying a whole host of dreams I held for myself and my family, that is true. What is also true is I still am in a relationship, one that my partner and I want – and are currently working – to save. I also have a gorgeous daughter who lights up my life with her infectious smile and effervescent energy. She is my everything.

My daughter has truly been the glue holding me together this past week. If she smiles at me I can’t help but smile back. There is something about her presence that heals me with an immediacy I can’t explain. Like ice on a wound, her presents brings instant relief from my pain. When I am with her everything is right in the world.

Of course I’m only with her 2-3 hours a day. And to continue with my previous metaphor, like ice on a wound, when she is gone the pain returns quickly and with what feels like renewed strength. The reality is I spend barely 20% of my day with my daughter. I want it to be enough. It has to be enough. And when I’m with her it’s absolutely enough. It truly is. She is my sunshine.

I’m kind of flailing on my gratitude post. I see that now. I guess I’m not quite ready for it yet. I just want to make sure everyone knows I see the good things. I know how lucky I am to be in a relationship, no matter how difficult it feels. I am very grateful to have a job that I like, especially in this crappy economy. I couldn’t survive without the support of both our families, who are always more than willing to help us in any way they can. I know I take for granted the money we have to buy health insurance, food and other necessities. And of course I have my daughter. I am so incredibly wealthy in so many ways.

But the thing I’m most thankful for, that I will always be most grateful for, is my little girl. She is the light of my life. She is my sunshine.

I’ve been singing this song a lot, trying to hold on to my sunshine even when she feels far away. I don’t think I ever noticed the second verse before but it makes me wonder… who wrote this song and why did they write it? I think I’ll have to look into that.

In the meantime I’ll just keep singing this song and loving on my lovely, little girl. My sunshine.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You’ll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don’t take my sunshine away

***

The other night dear when I lay sleeping

I dreamt I held you in my arms

When I awoke dear I was mistaken 

So I hung my head and cried

***

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You’ll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don’t take my sunshine away

5 responses

  1. I’ve failed to comment on the last couple of posts because I struggle with finding something meaningful enough to say. You’re at such a crossroads and I hope your instinct and hard work take you in a direction that brings you peace and happiness. Know that we in blogland are thinking of you and rooting for you, and your gratitude shines through the tougher posts.

  2. First of all, I’ll echo what others have said…I’ve been reading and thinking about your recent posts but wasn’t sure I had any insights to make it better. I do think you are brave and strong for confronting and working through these tough issues here and at home with your husband.
    Second… I heard that song a few days after my son was born–i thought itd be a nice sweet song to sing to him–and that second verse just blindsided me. I could not stop crying and can still barely listen to that song without tears. Who knew it was such a sad song!

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