I don’t know if I ever made the declaration here, that I was feeling better and thought my depression had lifted, but if I did, I retract it. Obviously I was just having a good week. That feeling is totally and utterly gone now.
This weekend was a disaster. And I handled it very poorly. I’m in an impressive funk that I can’t seem to shake, no matter how hard I try. I just want to sulk all day long, and into next week.
It started on Friday. I found out I have to get a sub on Monday to do even more testing. I’ve already had to write sub plans for FIVE days to do these tests (I’m administering the California English Language Development Test, or CELDT to about 50 students at my school). I’m so sick of being out of my room. I’m so sick of figuring out something relatively simple for all four of my classes to do without it being too off topic or random. I’m so sick of writing the actual sub plans and prepping the handouts, which takes hours. I’m just so sick of it. I thought I was done and when they told me there were 13 kids they didn’t realize they had to test I literally shed tears of frustration. They were not the last tears of frustration destined to be shed this weekend.
All day Friday I was trying to be really supportive of Mi.Vida, who was feeling down. Towards the end of the day I reached out to him on gchat and he shut me down pretty hard. To be fair he had said he was really busy and I probably should have just let him be, but still, he could have told me that he didn’t have time in a nicer way. I was pretty hurt.
When he came home he dropped a bomb on me. I don’t want to get into it too much here but I will say that it left me feeling like it is three against one with me on one side and him and his parents on the other. Dealing with in-laws can be tumultuous but when they are providing you with free childcare things get exponentially trickier. My in-laws were already very active in Isa’s life and had expressed strong opinions about her education, along with other things, long before my father-in-law started watching her. Now that he’s with her for the majority of her waking hours I feel almost powerless to stand up for myself. It’s definitely a difficult situation and I worry our relationship will become ever more tenuous.
On Saturday I was very excited to spend the night at Jiraffe’s house along with Bodega Bliss. These are two of my best blog friends, and quite frankly, two of my best friends period. We don’t live very close to each other so get-togethers happen infrequently – once every couple of months if we’re lucky. I’d been looking forward to this one for two weeks.
Except I didn’t get to go. When I went to pack up the car I couldn’t find my wallet and keys (they are attached). After two hours of scouring my house without locating them I realized I wasn’t going to make it, as Mi.Vida had the only other car key with him at an all-day music festival. I was so frustrated. I knew the keys were somewhere in the house but despite having looked EVERYWHERE I could not find them. Not only did I waste over two hours looking, I also tour apart my already messy apartment and ignored my daughter the whole time. All for nothing.
Of course Mi.Vida found them within minutes of getting home. I must have thrown them on the computer-desk chair and at some point the towel we drape over it (to keep the cat from destroying the fabric) fell down over it. I must have later sat on the chair and kind of pushed it so far back it was basically not on the seat anymore. So yeah, that’s why I never found them because they were hidden from both view and touch in a totally random spot. Mi.Vida only found them because he was pulling the towel up to keep the cat off the chair. I was so frustrated. Despondent is actually a more accurate word.
In fact, my disappointment was somewhat embarrassing. I mean, I was really, really, really upset. I’ve been trying all day to figure out why I was so despondent to miss out on a night with my friends. I think part of it is I had so been looking forward to that night. With the isolation of work and home and the stress of our finances I don’t get to do very much fun stuff, let alone with friends, these days. Having something like that to look forward to made the long, lonely stretches more bearable. I also think the issues with Mi.Vida have been really hard and I really needed some feminine understanding and support. Having to miss out on that, and for something as stupid as misplacing my wallet and keys, was just more than I could bear. I felt like such an asshat. I was so furious with myself. All I wanted was to be with people who know me and love me. All I wanted was to give, and get, support and understanding.
Unfortunately I didn’t get either. Instead I got a good dose of disappointment, anger and frustration. I was still so upset when I went to bed that I couldn’t sleep. To top it all off Isa had a hard night too. Maybe it was for the best that we weren’t in a strange house where she probably would have slept even less and bothered more people.
Today has been vaguely better than yesterday. We went to a Halloween carnival this morning which was fun but also hectic and exhausting. I barely got to see Jiraffe let alone exchange more than a dozens words with her. At least Isa enjoyed herself, most of the time, and I got some good pictures of her.
Right now I should be writing sub plans and grading papers. Or I could pick up my ransacked house. The one light at the end of the tunnel is a yoga class I’m taking at 5pm. My in-laws are picking up Isa and feeding her dinner while I’m there. Tonight it will be more sub plans, grading papers, laundry and cleaning up for me. I’ll probably be asleep before Mi.Vida even gets home from the second day of the music festival.
And then tomorrow it’s Monday morning all over again. More testing, more teaching, more paper grading, more laundry, more picking up, more negotiating, more monotony. I don’t know what I thought I was signing up for when I wanted so desperately to be a mother, but it wasn’t this.