This month I started temping and taking my prenatal vitamins again. I’m also reading the book Making Babies. Why am I doing these things?
Because I’m a masochist, of course.
We’re not trying this next cycle. Nor the cycle after that. It had been our plan but no longer. And yet I’m still temping and taking prenatals and reading Making Babies. It’s like I had marked this month as the TTC start date in my mental calendar and now I can’t delete the event; the reminders keep popping up automatically in my mind.
TTC #2 – October 2011 – Event: All Month
No matter how many times I close the mental pop-up window, it keeps showing up again, interrupting even the most engrossing of tasks.
Lately I’ve been feeling really negative. It’s not just the depression, it’s something more. I’ve been feeling a lot of bitterness towards others. The surprising thing is who I’ve been feeling bitterness towards. Some are obvious targets, like Mi.Vida’s friend who is pregnant with her second child, whom she conceived a month before she actually started trying and will arrive when her son is exactly 2.5 years old. Bitterness towards her I understand. Bitterness towards some others I don’t.
I’ve been thinking a lot about it, trying to determine what it is about some people and their current situations that has caused me to be envious o them (never openly of course). There do seem to be some common qualities, which lead me to believe that one thing I’m really struggling with right now is that I don’t feel like I’m working towards creating a life that will be truly satisfying for me. It’s not that I hate my job or any aspect of my life, but I don’t feel I’m creating something that will be ultimately fulfilling.
I’ve mentioned before that making meaningful connections is very important to me. I think that is why I wanted to be a mom so much – there is no deeper connection, in my experience, than between a mother and her child. And while my relationship with Isa is very fulfilling, I’m not cultivating meaningful relationships anywhere else in my life, nor do I foresee the opportunities to do so. I think that is why not trying for baby #2 is hitting me so hard right now, because it’s the only way I know to work towards my goal.
Obviously this means I need to find other ways to realize my intention but unfortunately I’m not sure what those ways are. This leaves me with nothing left to do but obsess about how we can’t start trying to have another baby. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to break.
In the meantime I guess I’ll start getting ready for TTC, even though we’re not sure when we can. January is still on the table as a tentative start date, though it seems an irresponsible one to say the least. Still, it’s something and right now, with all the uncertainty and struggle in our lives, I’ll cling to any something that I can.
Who knows, maybe in the next three months Mi.Vida and I will make some positive lifestyle changes that will increase our fertility so that when he gets an awesome, fulfilling, higher paying job early next year we’ll get pregnant on the first month of trying!
Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?