Me, the masochist

This month I started temping and taking my prenatal vitamins again. I’m also reading the book Making Babies. Why am I doing these things?

Because I’m a masochist, of course.

We’re not trying this next cycle. Nor the cycle after that. It had been our plan but no longer. And yet I’m still temping and taking prenatals and reading Making Babies. It’s like I had marked this month as the TTC start date in my mental calendar and now I can’t delete the event; the reminders keep popping up automatically in my mind.

TTC #2 – October 2011 – Event: All Month

No matter how many times I close the mental pop-up window, it keeps showing up again, interrupting even the most engrossing of tasks.

Lately I’ve been feeling really negative. It’s not just the depression, it’s something more. I’ve been feeling a lot of bitterness towards others. The surprising thing is who I’ve been feeling bitterness towards. Some are obvious targets, like Mi.Vida’s friend who is pregnant with her second child, whom she conceived a month before she actually started trying and will arrive when her son is exactly 2.5 years old. Bitterness towards her I understand. Bitterness towards some others I don’t.

I’ve been thinking a lot about it, trying to determine what it is about some people and their current situations that has caused me to be envious o them (never openly of course). There do seem to be some common qualities, which lead me to believe that one thing I’m really struggling with right now is that I don’t feel like I’m working towards creating a life that will be truly satisfying for me. It’s not that I hate my job or any aspect of my life, but I don’t feel I’m creating something that will be ultimately fulfilling.

I’ve mentioned before that making meaningful connections is very important to me. I think that is why I wanted to be a mom so much – there is no deeper connection, in my experience, than between a mother and her child. And while my relationship with Isa is very fulfilling, I’m not cultivating meaningful relationships anywhere else in my life, nor do I foresee the opportunities to do so. I think that is why not trying for baby #2 is hitting me so hard right now, because it’s the only way I know to work towards my goal.

Obviously this means I need to find other ways to realize my intention but unfortunately I’m not sure what those ways are. This leaves me with nothing left to do but obsess about how we can’t start trying to have another baby. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to break.

In the meantime I guess I’ll start getting ready for TTC, even though we’re not sure when we can. January is still on the table as a tentative start date, though it seems an irresponsible one to say the least. Still, it’s something and right now, with all the uncertainty and struggle in our lives, I’ll cling to any something that I can.

Who knows, maybe in the next three months Mi.Vida and I will make some positive lifestyle changes that will increase our fertility so that when he gets an awesome, fulfilling, higher paying job early next year we’ll get pregnant on the first month of trying!

Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?

12 responses

  1. I’m in tears reading your post. It just touched me so much, esp when you write “There do seem to be some common qualities, which lead me to believe that one thing I’m really struggling with right now is that I don’t feel like I’m working towards creating a life that will be truly satisfying for me. It’s not that I hate my job or any aspect of my life, but I don’t feel I’m creating something that will be ultimately fulfilling.”

    I’m fighting the fall turnover – it happens every year, right before the High Holidays. I just get in a foul, foul mood that slowly evolves into full-blown SAD. I know it’s coming every year, and I refuse to take any kind of meds b/c I know it’s so seasonally driven. I’ll be fine come March.

    But like you, I have had such bitterness… I’ve been bitching about FB pg announcements on Twitter and as I look at my timeline, I come off as that crazy infertile lady who’s bitter she can’t have her own kids. And I AM bitter. I know I am. Rational Keiko says “get over it.” Emotional Keiko says “this is fucking PAINFUL.”

    It’s what’s driving me (I think) to leave my job at some point. I need to do SOMETHING, CREATE something, for myself, since I can’t do it biologically.

    I totally turned this comment into “that’s great, but here’s my story.” Damnit.

    I just wanted to say that I totally understand this post, where you’re coming from, and I can feel that desperation, that frustration, that longing. I totally get it and I hear you.

    • Don’t be sorry! I love hearing other people’s take. I have to admit, you are one of the people who made me realize what was missing in my own life (I wasn’t feeling bitter towards you but reading your post about trying to find a new job really stirred something inside of and I guess I am a little envious that you know what you want to do, what would make you truly happy – I don’t think I’ve found that yet). Anyway, never apologize for sharing your story, I appreciate it more than you know.

  2. That’s kinda how I felt at my craptastic job. I felt like I was going through the motions of life, not doing anything that I got any joy out of. Staying home and taking care of Hubby and the house was the right thing for me (and I’m lucky I was able to), and I finally felt like I was on my way to fulfillment even though we weren’t parents yet.
    I don’t know what to say except that I really am sorry you’re having such a rough time :(. Wish I could help make it better.

    • I’m so glad you got to leave that job and you seem so happy and fulfilled now as a SAHM. I’m realizing that I don’t even know if being a SAHM is what I really want. I mean, I think I want it, but I’m not so sure. I wish I knew what it was I wanted, that would make all of this so much easier.

  3. “one thing I’m really struggling with right now is that I don’t feel like I’m working towards creating a life that will be truly satisfying for me. It’s not that I hate my job or any aspect of my life, but I don’t feel I’m creating something that will be ultimately fulfilling.”

    Wow, that just captures a lot of what I’m feeling these days. I’ve read a lot about envisioning the life you want, and then making it happen. Sounds so easy but really really difficult to change the course you are on. A lot of times I’m just struggling to keep my head above water….there is no energy left for redirecting the stream in the right direction, or even figuring out what I want the direction to be!

    I really really hope you feel better and that your dreams of trying for #2 are acheived soon.

    • I don’t think it does sound easy, actually. I think people who know, really know, what they want to do are very lucky indeed. I think for most people it’s harder to discern and we spend a lot of our lives bouncing around trying to figure it out. And you’re right, it’s hard to figure it out when we’re just struggling to get by. That is what frustrates me so much about our current situation – we’re working so hard just to keep afloat, it’s not even to build something for ourselves that we really want. In 10 years I fear we’ll be right where we are now, with nothing to show for all the work we did except that we didn’t starve (which I know we’re very lucky not to have to worry about, I don’t mean to take that for granted though I’m sure I do). I hope you figure our what you’re meant to do and find away to make it happen. I really, truly do.

  4. I have the sneaky bitterness sometimes, too. Meh, it happens. Normal.

    I think what has been most disconcerting to me, in terms of finding that elusive sense of fulfillment, is that what I want/crave seems to be always shifting. N and I were in a heavy conversation this week, and it came out of my mouth so honestly and without any reservation: “What is hard for me is that what I dreamed of for so long as a child and young adult does not align with what I dream of now.” There’s a disconnect between the two, and it just feels foreign, almost unauthentic, even though it SHOULD evolve because we evolve.

    I keep reminding myself to be present. That fulfillment comes in the small moments, too, not necessarily the big-ticket, sweeping moments.

    • I never thought about it that way, that our wants and needs change over time, with our situation. It’s true that my dream, as a child/young adult” is not turning out to be “enough” right now, but when I look back on it, I hadn’t really thought it out very well. There weren’t a lot of logistics in place (like how my family would afford the things I hoped for). So yeah, I suppose my sense of fulfillment is shifting as well and maybe right now I’m just not sure where it will end up. That is hard for me. I want to be able to work towards something and right now I feel like I can’t. I don’t do well with that.

  5. I love Trinity’s comment above. It’s true that fulfillment looks different than we imagined it even five years ago. On the other hand, you can’t just dismiss what you’re feeling … so perhaps the next step is to identify what would make you fulfilled? (Of course I’m one to talk … I haven’t figured that out yet, either.)

    I’m sorry that you’re feeling bitter and disconnected right now … life feels so, so unfair sometimes. I hope that the next few weeks bring light and love into your life, and that things turn around for you, even as the TTC (or not) journey takes shape.

    • I’ve been working hard on identifying what would make me fulfilled and coming up with absolutely nothing. It’s kind of driving my crazy. If anyone has any books to read or techniques to try with this, the book I’m reading is really leaving me hanging and I’m getting increasingly frustrated with it.

      Life does feel unfair sometimes and I’m someone who has always LOATHED unfair (even though everything good in my life I got because I had an unfair advantage over others, which I’ve really been wrestling with as an adult). So yeah, life’s a jungle (as my dad always said) and sometimes the animals have shitty, shitty luck (I added that last part).

  6. The existential crisis are by far the most difficult. It feels to me like you might be knee deep in one right now. I feel like I actively avoid “going there” very often because it’s so difficult to find answers. Nevertheless, it’s a major challenge not to at least dip one’s toes in from time to time. I can pinpoint the things that are important to me (as can you, obviously) and generally imagine what I want my life to look like but actually making it happen, that is truly another story. I hope that things begin to feel better soon.

    • I never thought of just avoiding thinking about this stuff. That is very much not my style (and very much my partner’s). I wonder if I could just let it go for a little while. Maybe that is the next step, at least for now.

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