Things are crazy here. They are crazy in the way that makes me panic that I won’t get finished that-what-needs-to-be-done. The kind of crazy that keeps me up way past my bedtime and leaves me an exhausted, jumbled mess the next day. The kind of crazy that assures me I just. can’t. do. this.
The kind of crazy that took hold after really intense weekend fights between me and Mi.Vida. Fights that left me wanting to retreat to my mother’s house.
It’s not that I wanted to get away from Mi.Vida, it’s that I wanted to get to someone who would hug me and love me and tell me it was going to be okay.
Sunday night I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to be okay. This afternoon I was still nursing the headache left in the wake of the uncontrollable sobbing fits that peppered yesterday.
This evening things are better. Tentative but better. We’re going to go to counseling (how we’ll make that work money and childcare wise has yet to be determined) and hopefully we’re going to work this out.
In the meantime I’m just trying to keep my head above water. That is really all I can do right now.
Lately, as the shit show that has become my life prevents me from writing, I’ve been going back to some of my older posts. I like to play a game where I reach back into the archives and revisit the post from that day, one or two years earlier. It’s been an eye opening exercise, one that bestows upon me some much needed perspective.
I’ve found some really good posts in my September 2009 archives. This was really the only month I was blogging before I found out I was pregnant. If I have one regret about blogging, it’s that I didn’t start until the end of my TTC journey. What I wouldn’t give to have had this space during that difficult year and that horrible loss.
But anyway, I digress. I figure since I probably won’t have much time to blog right now, I can link to some of my favorite posts from two years ago. Who knows, maybe you’ll like a few of them as much as I do.
Today’s archived post is called Part of the Conversation and is about whether or not it’s socially acceptable to mention loss in a conversation about pregnancy. I’d love to hear what you all think.