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Things are crazy here. They are crazy in the way that makes me panic that I won’t get finished that-what-needs-to-be-done. The kind of crazy that keeps me up way past my bedtime and leaves me an exhausted, jumbled mess the next day. The kind of crazy that assures me I just. can’t. do. this.

The kind of crazy that took hold after really intense weekend fights between me and Mi.Vida. Fights that left me wanting to retreat to my mother’s house.

It’s not that I wanted to get away from Mi.Vida, it’s that I wanted to get to someone who would hug me and love me and tell me it was going to be okay.

Sunday night I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to be okay. This afternoon I was still nursing the headache left in the wake of the uncontrollable sobbing fits that peppered yesterday.

This evening things are better. Tentative but better. We’re going to go to counseling (how we’ll make that work money and childcare wise has yet to be determined) and hopefully we’re going to work this out.

In the meantime I’m just trying to keep my head above water. That is really all I can do right now.

Lately, as the shit show that has become my life prevents me from writing, I’ve been going back to some of my older posts. I like to play a game where I reach back into the archives and revisit the post from that day, one or two years earlier. It’s been an eye opening exercise, one that bestows upon me some much needed perspective.

I’ve found some really good posts in my September 2009 archives. This was really the only month I was blogging before I found out I was pregnant. If I have one regret about blogging, it’s that I didn’t start until the end of my TTC journey. What I wouldn’t give to have had this space during that difficult year and that horrible loss.

But anyway, I digress. I figure since I probably won’t have much time to blog right now, I can link to some of my favorite posts from two years ago. Who knows, maybe you’ll like a few of them as much as I do.

Today’s archived post is called Part of the Conversation and is about whether or not it’s socially acceptable to mention loss in a conversation about pregnancy. I’d love to hear what you all think.

18 responses

  1. I am so sorry to hear about your rought weekend. I hope you can work out the logistics for the counseling, and that it can help you two navigate these stormy times.
    I recently found an old journal from when I first met my husband. It was fascinating, because in my mind, I had created this magical beautiful past where everything was rosy and carefree, while in fact, it was still ME with all my insecurities & worries. Perspective is good.

    • Yeah, looking at my old posts remind me how hard a lot of things that I remember as being easy were, especially the first months of motherhood. I’m like a crazy person in those posts!

  2. I’m so sorry that things are so difficult for you guys right now. I hope that the counseling will help you to get things back on track. I fear about a billion things that are related to this pregnancy and one of them is that, if all does go well, we just won’t be able to handle the added stress of a second child and keep our sanity at the same time.

    I read your old post and it is a really good one. I don’t know that I’m right but I may think about this in a slightly different way. I actually think of loss as a related but different conversation. Unfortunately, I don’t often find the courage to talk about it under similar circumstances but I have found that, those few times that I do, I discover just how universal these experiences are. MANY women have themselves experienced miscarriage or have a friend, a sister, their mom, the neighbor, etc. I truly wish ts were not so damn common but we are not the least bit alone. Now, if only people had an easier time having that discussion…..

    • Loss is a very universal thing and it can be hard to remember than even if all those women were talking about the good things, it doesn’t mean they weren’t hiding the bad just like me.

      As for the added stress of another kid, for the first time in my life I’m not sure I can handle it and it’s a very terrifying prospect indeed.

  3. I’m really, really glad that you’re going to get some counseling … it sounds like you and Mi.Vida need someone to help you through these difficult times, and it’s a great sign that he’s agreed to go, too. I can understand that not wanting to go away, but wanting to go *to* someone … sending you a hug from across the country, for what it’s worth.

  4. I’m happy to hear you’re going to go to counseling, but I’m very sorry to hear that you had such a hard weekend. That breaks my heart for you. You know that you can call me and I’ll send you my love over the phone, right? And I wish I lived closer, I’d come watch Isa in a second so you could go to counseling.

    Sending love your way…

    • Moms are great and hugging it and making it better. Sometimes I can’t believe I’m that person for someone else. It’s a lot of responsibility to shoulder. But I’m so honored to do it. And I’m so thankful my mom is still around when I need her. I am very lucky to have that.

  5. I’m going to give you permission, right now, to do the following: cry. Be pissed off. Not be perfect. To admit that you don’t know what you are doing. To not know what is happening. To feel annoyed. To wish you were a better (fill-in-the-blank) but to know that that is not possible right now.

    Is that better?

    Be nice to yourself. Please. xoxo

  6. I’m sorry things are so rough right now. I hope you’ve found a good counselor who can help you work through this time. As much as a stranger can tell from a blog, it seems like you two have a solid base to work from. Thinking of you…

  7. I’m so sorry things between you and the mister are so difficult right now. But you are committed and he is committed to making it work, and you both will, with time. It may not be easy, but you will find a way to get back to each other and I hope it all comes together very soon. I’m sure counselling will help immensely. Sending you hugs! xo

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