Cracks

This last year, and the years before, they’ve been hard on me. Harder than I realized. They’ve etched cracks in my psyche, in my spirit, in my soul. Many cracks have healed, others remain open. Some mend temporarily, only to be thrust apart again and again.

So many cracks right now and they seem unable to heal, there’s no time or energy to invest. And depression, my old nemesis, sees its opportunity and slinks silently, filling the cracks with its unfeeling opacity. Eventually it will harden, leaving me rigid, unyielding against the currents of life.

This life, it requires movement, flexibility, energy, resilience. A spirit mired in this kind of muck, this rigid disillusion, is rendered inutile. If I cannot bend I will break. Pulled this taut, I might tear. Left this delicate I am sure to shatter.

Yoga compels my mind and body to sway and arch. Writing drives my thoughts to diverge and intersect. But what happens if I can’t bring myself to practice? What happens when the reluctance constrains me completely?

I have not been drawn to writing in a while. Or at least it feels like a while, to me.  Topics come and go, some of them are even interesting, but I have no desire to sit down and write. It just isn’t there anymore. Maybe some day it will come back but right now there is nothing but a tired emptiness where the urge used to be.

Please bear with me. It might take a while and I can’t make any promises, but I know myself and I know my tendencies and there’s a good chance I’ll find my flexibility once again.

I hope you’ll all be here when I get back.

16 responses

  1. For me it’s like quicksand – very very slow quicksand. But I understand the feeling… sometimes it just takes more energy than you have to escape. It’s insidious that way. Right before I arrived upon this post, I read this one from someone who feels depression lurking under the surface and I went back to capture the phrase because it applies to you: “You are stronger than anything broken inside you.” http://mooshinindy.com/2011/08/29/you-are-stronger-than-anything-broken-inside-of-you/
    Feel free to email me if you ever want to talk.

  2. honey – I know. It’s such a slippery slope with this disease. And the worst part is when you know you’re down, and you know you need to reach out – but you just can’t bring yourself to do it. I’m only an email away if you need to talk. Sending you huge hugs from across the ocean!

    • And the worst part is when you know you’re down, and you know you need to reach out – but you just can’t bring yourself to do it. – this right here. Thank you for the recent emails. They mean more than I can say.

    • Thank you. I hope it doesn’t take too much time. There is a part of me that misses this place, even when I don’t have much to say. I hope to be back soon.

    • Thanks. I haven’t even had it in me to gchat recently, as you may have noticed. When I’m in the mood you’ll be the first to know, I’m sure. 😉

    • I haven’t been gchatting much lately either, I’m sure you’ve noticed. But when I have to something to say you’ll be the first to know, I’m sure. 😉

    • Thanks Tara. That means a lot. I know you know what I’m doing (in your own way). Has stepping way had the intended effects for you?

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