Confessional Fridays: In Three Parts

1.

Mi.Vida and I are going away (without Fussington J. Bear) for the weekend and I must confess, I’m excited. While I have no idea what being away from my daughter for 2.5 days will be like (we’ve never been apart for more than several hours), I KNOW that Mi.Vida and I need this very much. So many things have been clawing at us recently, pulling us away from ourselves and each other. We need some quality time to find ourselves again and to nurture our bruised and battered partnership. I hope this weekend provides the salve our relationship so dearly needs.

2.

Turns out I’m kind of shit at trusting my gut and letting the unsolicited advice of those close to me bounce off my supposedly impenetrable exterior. Turns out my shell is quite sticky. Turns out they are rubber and I’m glue.

My ILs think Isa is too skinny. I know this because each of them emailed Mi.Vida separately, my FIL going so far as to educated us on the number of meals we should be offering (five) and the number of calories she should be ingesting (1,000). Oh, and it was suggested we stop feeding her purees, which is hilarious because that is where she gets all her calories from, as she’s not very good at feeding herself yet, thought I do give her opportunities to practice at every meal.

I was not included as a recipient on either email so I’m assuming my response is not requested, which is fine, I will keep it to myself. Mi.Vida is not pleased and has been forced to explain to his parents that he thinks they’ve gone about this the wrong way. I’m simultaneously quite furious and feeling bad for Mi.Vida who’s stuck in the middle. After some seething (and much needed support and solidarity from my Twitter community) I now feel better about the whole thing but I must admit the episode rocked me to my core. Despite knowing in my heart that my daughter is healthy and that I’m giving her every opportunity to physically thrive, I still allowed my in-laws’ suggestion upset me. I guess I have a lot of work to do on trusting my gut and feeling secure in my decisions.

3.

I’m having a hard time getting past this TTC#2 postponement. Not knowing when we’re going to be able to try again is really difficult for me. Tonight I went to yoga, hoping to clear my head and nourish my heart after all the in-law drama that had gone down. The class was taught in the room where I used to take pre-natal yoga. I spent many, many hours there when I was pregnant, some of the best hours of those precious months and I hadn’t been in that room since I was expecting. For some reasons just being there brought me back and for the first time in many months I was able to remember so vividly what it felt like to be pregnant. Even now, sitting at home, the recollection has faded, but in that room it was like a flashback and I was completely cognizant of being pregnant again: the round, bulging belly, the fullness, the expectation, the potential; feeling Isa kick inside me, wondering who this miraculous being might be, wondering who I might become. It was such a fantastic time and while I know a second pregnancy will never be as transformative as the first, I still long for that feeling again. I ache for it, actually, in a visceral way. And while I no longer fear it will allude me (I’m pretty convinced I will be able to carry another baby to term, eventually, and for that confidence – imprudence? – I’m so grateful), it’s hard not knowing when I might be able to experience it again. I hope I don’t have to wait too long. (I also hope I’m not being presumptuous in my assumptions that I can get (and stay) pregnant again. I know nothing is predetermined but I think there is a good chance I can have another healthy pregnancy some day.

So that is where I am right now: tentatively looking forward to a weekend away with my partner; somewhat less secure in my morale as a mother; and yearning, once again, for the revelation of pregnancy.

Where are you right now, in your life?

16 responses

  1. Don’t let you IL upset you! Just think that they’re doing this because they really love their granddaughter and truly care for her. It is still annoying, yes – but perhaps will make it a bit easier for you?

    And they’re different generation. Everyone is skinny for them!

    On another note, I am pregnant now, but I already try to think when we should try for another baby. I am 32, and my hubby is 8 years older, and I always wanted 3 kids… that sort of doesn’t leave me with much wiggle room – and I heard PCOS might worsen with age.

    At the same time, I can plan all I want, but it just might not happen as quickly as this time around (well, relatively quickly… at least next time we’ll know right away I have a problem). And – who knows? – maybe once I have ONE baby, I will realize that two will be just enough…

    But I am thinking. Estimating budgets, career paths, plans… at the same time thinking – there is just never a good time to have a baby… Something will always be in the way.

    • I’m with you. I don’t think there is a good time to have a baby. It’s just so insane when they first come and everything gets turned on it’s head. When is it a good time for that?

      I think we just want to find a way to not be hemorrhaging our savings, then we’ll know we can make it work. We’ll definitely need some of our savings, but we can’t be using it all like we did this year. I just need to find a way to make child care work for two without us losing so much. Then maybe we can start trying again…

      And thanks for the advice with my in-laws. I know it comes from a place of love, but it’s hard to hear. I’m the one who is with Isa all day, feeding her. To have them educate me on how much she should be eating is really hard. It makes me feel like they don’t trust me as a parent. Mi.Vida is going to talk to them soon. I hope it goes well.

  2. Have a good weekend … I’m glad that you’re going to be able to get away, just the two of you.

    And I’m sorry about your ILs … that seems to be going around. YOU are the parent of your child … YOU see her every day … YOU know that she is healthy and happy. And as long as your doctor isn’t worried, you shouldn’t be, either. *hug*

    • The weekend was amazing. Just what we needed. We had a great time and really reconnected as a couple. It was perfect.

      Oh the ILs. I never really understood how bad it could be, though I’d heard stories. Still, experience it for myself was harder than I expected it would be. The fact that my FIL is watching Isa in a few weeks, for the whole year, makes it even harder. Maybe when he’s with her all day he’ll realize how hard it is to get her to eat.

  3. I hope the weekend is wonderful. I wouldn’t try to avoid the #2 topic, even if it might mean conflict b/c that is clearly on your mind. I think that no matter what the circumstances the first few years of parenting are hard. The thing is that it gets better. If you can just get on the same page about accepting a period of sacrifice to have the family that you will cherish…… If you talk with almost ANY woman (or couple, I should say) who waited too long and then were unable (or had to go through hell) to have the children they desired, they would almost all say, F%&* the money, free-time, etc. Just have the kids while you still can. You will figure out the rest and save yourself emotional turmoil.

    As for the IL. I have been there and it is so hard to just swallow your pride and move on but it’s almost their job. My MIL gave me so much grief over g’s weight. He also happened to be one of those unfortunate “skinny babies” from early on. It’s also true that there is a transition period from baby to toddler when their growth slows, their appetite is affected by teething and other things and they become more mobile so they begin to thin out. Perhaps they are noticing this very normal developmental milestone.

    • I totally agree with you about people who regret waiting to have kids. I know I would. There is nothing in life I think would be worth possibly not having kids. The thing is, I don’t think Mi.Vida believes we’ll ever have a hard time. He thinks we’re too young for that to happen to us. He thinks if we try for #2 in the next five years we’ll be okay. It’s hard that he doesn’t see that things could be even harder for us next time, instead of easier. He assumes it will be easier. Not sure why.

      I keep trying to tell them that it’s normal but they don’t listen. It’s so frustrating to feel like they don’t trust me as a mom. Ah! But you’re right, I do have to swallow my pride and let it be. I can be the bigger person. I just need to reach into myself and do it.

  4. 1. I hope you and Mi.Vida have a good weekend away, and that it gives the re-centering you both need. Where ya going?

    2. I’ve already told you this, but you are a great mom, E. You invest so much energy and self-education into your parenting. It’s clear to us how competent you are as a mother. It’s so easy to be rattled by insensitivity, and especially easy when we’re always questioning ourselves and praying we’re doing it right. You are. You are an expert in your Isa. Fuck the naysayers. In the face. I hope Mi.Vida sets their asses straight.

    3. I feel confident that you will enjoy those spectacular sensations of pregnancy again. I do. It may not happen in the timeline you’ve envisioned, but I do believe it will happen. What gives me that kind of confidence? You do. You’ve said it yourself–you find a goal, and you bust your ass to reach it. While this isn’t your goal/choice alone, it feel like you and Mi.Vida will get there. Feel free to tell me to shut my whore mouth, but I have hope.

    • 1. It was such a good weekend. Such a great, great weekend. 😉

      2. Thanks for the support. That means more than I can say. It’s amazing to me how much it can sting when someone close to me questions my choices as a mother. But hearing other people who know me well say I’m doing a good job builds me back up. Thank you.

      3. There are times when I’m so confident that I will enjoy pregnancy again. Sometimes I’m sure it will happen. Then the fear creeps in and the doubt. I know that fear so well and it’s hard not to give it strength. The truth is that I probably (almost certainly) only have one more opportunity to be pregnant so maybe it’s best to have to wait for it a while. Once I’m done for good it will be hard to accept. At least now I have something to look forward to.

  5. 1. I’m so excited for you and your weekend with Mi.Vida. (hm…that doesn’t really work for me to use that term in reference to your husband, does it? ha!) I think it’s going to be really good for the both of you.

    2. I know I’m probably supposed to say that you should try and let what your IL’s said roll of your back and they meant well and blah blah blah, but gah! That boiled MY blood, and she’s not even my kid!

    3. I’m sure it must be frustrating to not know when you’re going to try again. I can’t imagine what that must have felt like to have those feelings resurface, only to be frustrated that you don’t know when you’ll get to have them again. What a different feeling from someone like myself who has yet to experience that, and longs to make it that far just to be able to feel that for the first time. But I’ve never thought how it must feel to KNOW what it feels like….it must feed that ache even more.

    • 1. It was really good for both of us. I can’t wait to tell you more about it.

      2. It definitely brings the blood to a boil. I’m learning to let it roll of my back a little better. I’m practicing a Buddhist transmutation exercise with it. It’s been quite liberating, actually!

      3. You know, I read when I was struggling with TTC that it is harder for someone who’s already had a baby to struggle to have another because they know what they are missing and you know what, I think that is BULLSHIT! It was infinitely worse to be longing for it when I hadn’t experienced it because I feared (as I know you do) that I would NEVER experience it. And you know what, if I never get to be pregnant again, I always have the memories of when I was. I definitely think it’s worse to be wanting it when you haven’t had it.

  6. Just wanted to say that it’s awesome that you two are getting some quality time together! I really hope you have an amazing weekend away! xoxo

    • It was such a god weekend and I don’t think I’d realized how far we’d drifted apart until we came back together. I hope we can maintain this closeness in the hard weeks before school starts.

  7. Wow, your IL’s are way out of line! My niece is a tiny, delicate-boned little thing and weighed 15 lbs at 1 year…but no one was telling my sister to fatten her up. It’s just the way she’s built – plus she’s super active and crawls, climbs and now RUNS all over the place.
    Sorry they are giving you a hard time :(.

    • Thank you for sharing the story of another child who is on the smaller side and still healthy. I know my ILs are coming from a place of love and concern but they need to learn how to present it in a VERY different way.

  8. it is SO important that your husband takes your side! I know many couples where people can’t stand up for their spouses and have a private conversation with their parents… My best friend’s marriage gets really nightmarish at times because of her MIL. Her MIL tells her husband (behind her back) things like “oh, a REALLY loving wife would always have a dinner ready for you” – and things like that. And, sadly, her husband prefers to listen along with neutral sounds – instead of telling his mom to back off…

    • Wow, that story makes me feel positively lucky to have my MIL! Thanks for sharing that! And while I of course feel Mi.Vida should take my side I’m still thankful that he does because I’ve heard so many stories of men who side with their mothers. I wouldn’t expect that but you never know and I don’t want to take his support for granted. He’s supposed to be speaking with them sometime this week. I hope it goes well.

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