Mi.Vida and I are going away (without Fussington J. Bear) for the weekend and I must confess, I’m excited. While I have no idea what being away from my daughter for 2.5 days will be like (we’ve never been apart for more than several hours), I KNOW that Mi.Vida and I need this very much. So many things have been clawing at us recently, pulling us away from ourselves and each other. We need some quality time to find ourselves again and to nurture our bruised and battered partnership. I hope this weekend provides the salve our relationship so dearly needs.
Turns out I’m kind of shit at trusting my gut and letting the unsolicited advice of those close to me bounce off my supposedly impenetrable exterior. Turns out my shell is quite sticky. Turns out they are rubber and I’m glue.
My ILs think Isa is too skinny. I know this because each of them emailed Mi.Vida separately, my FIL going so far as to educated us on the number of meals we should be offering (five) and the number of calories she should be ingesting (1,000). Oh, and it was suggested we stop feeding her purees, which is hilarious because that is where she gets all her calories from, as she’s not very good at feeding herself yet, thought I do give her opportunities to practice at every meal.
I was not included as a recipient on either email so I’m assuming my response is not requested, which is fine, I will keep it to myself. Mi.Vida is not pleased and has been forced to explain to his parents that he thinks they’ve gone about this the wrong way. I’m simultaneously quite furious and feeling bad for Mi.Vida who’s stuck in the middle. After some seething (and much needed support and solidarity from my Twitter community) I now feel better about the whole thing but I must admit the episode rocked me to my core. Despite knowing in my heart that my daughter is healthy and that I’m giving her every opportunity to physically thrive, I still allowed my in-laws’ suggestion upset me. I guess I have a lot of work to do on trusting my gut and feeling secure in my decisions.
I’m having a hard time getting past this TTC#2 postponement. Not knowing when we’re going to be able to try again is really difficult for me. Tonight I went to yoga, hoping to clear my head and nourish my heart after all the in-law drama that had gone down. The class was taught in the room where I used to take pre-natal yoga. I spent many, many hours there when I was pregnant, some of the best hours of those precious months and I hadn’t been in that room since I was expecting. For some reasons just being there brought me back and for the first time in many months I was able to remember so vividly what it felt like to be pregnant. Even now, sitting at home, the recollection has faded, but in that room it was like a flashback and I was completely cognizant of being pregnant again: the round, bulging belly, the fullness, the expectation, the potential; feeling Isa kick inside me, wondering who this miraculous being might be, wondering who I might become. It was such a fantastic time and while I know a second pregnancy will never be as transformative as the first, I still long for that feeling again. I ache for it, actually, in a visceral way. And while I no longer fear it will allude me (I’m pretty convinced I will be able to carry another baby to term, eventually, and for that confidence – imprudence? – I’m so grateful), it’s hard not knowing when I might be able to experience it again. I hope I don’t have to wait too long. (I also hope I’m not being presumptuous in my assumptions that I can get (and stay) pregnant again. I know nothing is predetermined but I think there is a good chance I can have another healthy pregnancy some day.
So that is where I am right now: tentatively looking forward to a weekend away with my partner; somewhat less secure in my morale as a mother; and yearning, once again, for the revelation of pregnancy.
Where are you right now, in your life?