Confessional Fridays: I don’t wanna (the completed version)

Turns out I posted some unfinished version of this many hours ago. I have no idea what version that was. OOPS! Anyway, in case you get my posts via reader, here it is again, in it’s completed form:

I wrote that title and then I navigated away from the page. I came back and re-read what I had written and I laughed. I could write on numerous topics for that title. Here are just some of the posts that could follow the title of “I don’t wanna…”

… clean my house.

…. go to work.

… eat my veggies (more on this soon).

… grade papers.

… do my taxes.

… ever swipe my VISA at Babies R Us again.

… be a responsible spender.

The list goes on and on. In fact, the topic of this post might seem a little strange, surprising even. Because what I don’t wanna do is, take birth control.

Queue the snorts, muffled laughter and/or down right hysterics. Take birth control? you might think. I’m my own, unintended birth control, I WISH I had to TAKE something to not get pregnant, but I can do that all by my lonesome.

I get it. I really do.

I guess now would be the appropriate time to offer some back story. In the interest of keeping this brief I will use bullet points.

– Amenorreha from 18-26. Take BCP every couple of years to jump start menstruation but it never sticks.

– Meet Mi.Vida and take BCP for 2.5 years while we’re together.

– Me: VERY eager to start a family with Mi.Vida when we realize we’re in it for the long haul. Mi.Vida: not so much; the opposite, in fact. It takes us a while to come to an understanding.

– I start acupuncture/TCM diet/Chinese herbs before we start in an attempt to keep menstruating once I’m off the pill.

– Queue TTC with BBT charting, OPK sticks and timed intercourse.

– In the space of about a year we have one ectopic pregnancy and then quickly become pregnant with our daughter.

So back to birth control. Basically, I hate taking the pill. Of course it’s annoying to have to take it every day at the same time of day. And every three months I have to remember to order it before I run out. I also don’t like putting synthetic hormones in my body, altering the way it works. But my biggest complaint with BCP is that it decimates my libido.

And that is the other confession for my post. Some (most?) of the time, “I don’t wanna” also applies to sex. But it’s not really that I don’t want to have sex, it more like I don’t really care if we do. I know that sounds horrible to say, but it’s the truth. Well, not the whole truth. I mean, I do want to have sex because I feel great after we do it and I KNOW it makes our relationship better, deeper, closer. And it’s not like I don’t like to have sex, because I do. And once I get into it, I’m into it and I enjoy it very much. But before I’m in the throes of it, almost always I could take it or leave it, in equal measure. I just don’t have that drive inside of me. And I think it’s because of the pill, because I felt this way long before having my daughter.

Lately I’ve been needling Mi.Vida about not wanting to take the pill but I’ve never asked us to really look into possible alternatives. Last night and this morning we got into a little tiff about it. Today I sent Mi.Vida the following in an email:

Recently, since I’ve been trying hard to make “our time” a more important and integral part of our relationship, I wonder again if the pill has something to do with my decreased libido… Sometimes, when I feel so much pressure to make sure our sex life is healthy and thriving I can’t help but feel resentful that I’m taking something that could potentially make it harder for me to do that.

So that is where I’m coming from. I feel really stuck in the middle. On the one hand I know it’s the optimal form of birth control for us, on the other hand I think it might be making it difficult for me to be an enthusiastic participant in our sex life, which is also really important to our relationship. The fact that this is something that physically alters the workings of my body doesn’t help much.

When I say optimal, what I mean is most effective with the least amount of hassle. My go-to family planning alternative is charting to avoid (or whatever it’s called in Taking Charge of Your Fertility). Mi.Vida’s is condoms. Neither of us feels very enthusiastically about each other’s alternative (and Mi.Vida doesn’t feel very enthusiastically about his own, quite frankly).

Mi.Vida is very adamant about family planning. He does NOT want us to have a child before we’re “ready”. I’m not so worried about it, I think it would be kind of fun to just get pregnant while we’re really not trying. A part of me even thinks it’s silly to worry about it when so many months of perfectly timed intercourse with semen-friendly Pre-Seed yielded nothing. Mi.Vida could not disagree more. I know his is the responsible way to approach things but it’s just not what I feel in my heart. My take is that we’re in the “family planning” part of our lives, for me an unplanned BFP would be the best kind of surprise. For Mi.Vida it would just be unplanned, and possibly burdensome.

So that is where we are right now. I’ve decided I’ll look more into tempting to avoid and present my case to him when I’m ready. In the meantime, I’m renewing my prescription today or tomorrow for another three months of the pill. I guess I’m fine with whatever we decide as long as we’ve explored all our options.

In the meantime, can anyone recommend some effective aphrodisiacs?

And for all of you who are here for ICLW – welcome (and sorry for the sex talk)!


5 responses

  1. I hate the pill. Like really hate. It just feels wrong when I take it and I don’t like what the hormones do to me. So I don’t take it.

    For a while we thought we would use an IUD between our daughter and attempts for baby #2, but it is expensive and only worth it if you use it for a full 5 years. At this point, we figure it is only a year or so before we want to start trying again. So, no IUD it is.

    There really aren’t a lot of good alternatives.

  2. Oops, I guess I commented on the old version of the post. I think that maybe if you started charting and avoiding on fertile days, he might see how effective it can be. It’s just as effective as the pill, without the nasty side effects. It does mean abstaining, which I guess some guys could have trouble with (unless you use another method for those days), but sometimes abstaining for even a short period of time like that can bring you closer together in the end! I remember when we were first married, the 2ww was a very fun time after abstaining over ovulation 😉 – before it held the heartache it now does.
    You know, on the pill you’re not even having a true menstruation – it’s just breakthrough bleeding, so it doesn’t actually help regulate your cycles in that it’s not doing anything for you to actually ovulate regularly and menstruate properly.
    I know you both have to agree on something, but it does seem a little unfair to be expected to take a synthetic hormone every day when there are other alternatives :(.
    I hope you guys can come up with a solution you’re both happy with!

  3. first, i don’t wanna sweep my floor or put the laundry away.
    Or go out in the cold.
    i have written a post almost word for word re: wanting to have sex. I love having sex, i just don’t feel like I NEED to do it… I so get that. I have a Mirena, it was the best option for us after I had G and seriously, it has kept us from tempting fate b/c with out it we woudl have been TTC months ago when we know we really “shouldn’t” be.
    let me kjnow if you hear of any good aphrodisiac’s!

  4. I completely agree about what BCP does to one’s libido. And now, pregnant, my hormones are all mucked up again. So basically, my husband is SOL.

    I also completely agree about the list of “I don’t wanna.” If I whine and stamp my feet enough, think anyone will listen? 😉

    Thanks for visiting my blog, and for your kind comments! I’m glad I found you … I love your fresh, honest writing, even if it *is* “confessional Friday!”

  5. I have the same problem with sex. Except that I really don’t wanna. I have zero drive. Mr takes away every ounce of libido. And to be perfectly honest, even when not on it I still have no drive. It’s a troubling area in our marriage. I really hate it. My psychiatrist wants me to take Bu. Spar to help but I can’t handle another antidepressant. I wish that I could give you advice on how to get your drive back 😦 We haven’t been having much intercourse, but going forward I will be charting and staying away during fertile times. And he’ll probably pull out. (sorry for the tmi!) I’m not ready to be pregnant again. I had the c section. I’m fat. I need to figure out what the hell went wrong. Anyway, I’ll bet your pill is causing your problem. (one suggestion…a toy for you. That may help 😉

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