I know most bloggers are doing a big end of the year post today. Maybe I should be too, but I can’t seem to think of anything clever to say. Besides, today is Confessional Fridays, and I’ve decided that I want Confessional Fridays to be as real as they can be. I want to be embarrassed by what I post here. I want to make sure that what happens here is brutally honest. So today, I will talk about, using words and pictures, the state of my house. This will easily segue into a discussion on the state of my life. I might even find a way to tie it all up into a nice, good-bye 2010, hello new year, post.
My house is a wreck right now. AN. ABSOLUTE. WRECK. We came home from our vacation to a clean, orderly apartment and in less than 24 hours we had thoroughly destroyed it. Some of this was (is) unpacking clutter. Some can be attributed to holiday loot that has not yet found a home. But most of it is just the sad state of my home. I am a messy, messy person and my house reflects that. Usually I can keep things manageable, but right now they are anything but.
My life seems to be paralleling the state of my house. I don’t know if the messiness of my house reflects the craziness of my life, or if my life feels inherently crazy when there is no sane space to come home to. Maybe it’s both. But right now they both feel a little overwhelming. I also feel too lazy to deal with either.
Now, this would not be a true Confessional Fridays post without a me really taking responsibility for the disaster that is my livings space. So here goes. Here is actual photo documentation of what I’ve allowed my house to become (sorry the first set of shots are so yellow, Hipstamatic put some weird lens on that I didn’t know about and I was too lazy to go around and take the shots again).
This is the playroom portion of the playroom/office. As you can see the Linking Letters have not been put away and books are strewn all about. A common occurrence in these parts.
The office portion of the playroom/office. At least it’s my part of the office portion. It’s actually much messier than it looks in the picture. Those are dirty sports bras on the chair (from a power walk I did days ago) and the pile in front of the chair is things my partner cleaned off the kitchen table that I need to put away. I realize the desk didn’t make it into the shot, and I wish it had. My desk is a total disaster.
This poor corner of my kitchen is housing the empty bucket for Isa’s cloth diapers, a Costco sized bag of dirty sheets, a bag of freshly laundered cloth diapers and the two huge pots I bought to strip diapers (that I’ve only used once in two months). There is also a HUGE Nordstrom bag full of recyclables and a stack of boxes that are also destine for the big blue bin downstairs.
Ah the living room. Notice the TV tray with last night’s dinner dishes still on it. I would also like to draw your attention to the myriad junk lying on the floor. That pillow on the couch smells like mildew and I can’t decide if I should just throw it out or try to salvage it. The throw is coming off the glider (put there to protect it from projectile (and any other form of) vomit). One good thing: the two remote controls are still sitting on the couch and have not yet been consumed by the cushions.
The running stroller, effectively blocking the front door and holding us captive in the case of any kind of emergency.
And now the for grand finale.
Now for the really bad stuff.
Now for my bedroom.
(Man, this is so embarrassing.)
I might as well start with worst of it. If you can’t tell what the following photo is depicting, well, that is pretty much how it feels in real life too. You see these many piles when you walk into my room and look left. That bottom drawer houses my nursing apparel and is perpetually open (to be fair, it easily and frequently jams if I close it all the way). Other things found in this shot: two backpacks; the grocery bag I used as a carryon when I came home from St. Louis; a bag of Christmas presents (to me) from the in-laws; a plastic bag with my shoes; my Ugg slippers (LOVE!); Isa’s diaper bag (which is sitting on top of an open suitcase overflowing with clothes); and myriad onsies, bras, underwear and other apparel littering the floor.
Close up on the HUGE piece of luggage I have still not unpacked. Not only have I not unpacked it, but I’ve been piling stuff in it since we got home. I have to win this battle by tomorrow morning, or I miss my chance to return it to my in-laws. I will not miss that chance. Behind the suitcase is the overflowing laundry hamper. I really need to do colors.
While the previous messes do not necessarily represent the status quo, these next shots are of spots that always look as bad as they are being portrayed today. They are perpetually on my list of “things to conquer” but by default they always win, because I’m constantly raising the white flag of surrender. Someday I’ll hit each of these spots with a sneak attack. Some day.
This particular corner includes a box under a hanging clothes organizer. That box contains all manner of socks, bras, the pads to push-up bras (that I take out because my tatas are huge), knee and ankle braces (????), picture frames, lingerie (that hasn’t been worn in over a year), tights, leggings (almost all still in their packaging) and possibly dozens of things I don’t know about. I haven’t actually used anything from that box in at least three years, though I have searched it a handful of times. You’ll also notice the red backpack on the floor. This is full of emergency supplies. I love my father-in-law and I love that he’s thinking of us, but where.am.I.going.to.put.that.bag?! I’m sure you already noticed that two drawers are slightly ajar – these ones do NOT jam when closed correctly.
This is that same, corner, just panned out some. That is my purse on the floor, which I don’t use regularly any more and so I don’t know what to do with it. I use it when I’m at work, but not when I’m with Isa. I don’t even know what is next to it. I probably wouldn’t know if I went into my room right now and checked.
Ah the top of my dresser. Always reminiscent of a disaster site of some kind. Can you find: Birthday Bear. Four disposable diapers (from our trip). The AT&T bag from my iPhone (purchased over a month ago). The tupperware where we keep quarters (and is ominously empty right now). A UCBerkeley 101 board book. Folded money. My Stop Overshopping Workbook (I really need to dust that off). Empty quarter roll sleeves? A knocked over pictures frame.
There are still one or two more photos I could share but I think you get the point. My house is a total disaster area right now. That is a fact. I have a lot of work to do in the new year.
But I welcome it.
The truth is I would only be writing a post about the mess that is my daily existence today, on the last day of 2010, if I weren’t in a really, really good place in my life right now. I feel like I’ve finally arrived at the person I’ve always wanted to be. Through the decade that was my late teens and early to mid-twenties I went through some very dark times. I battled depression and food/body issues that threatened to cripple me. Throughout those dark days I wrote in many journals and a constant topic in those entries were about how I was meant to be a mother and I’d be much happier when I blossomed into the adult I was to become. Of course, I wrote those entries terrified that I’d never find a partner to share my life with (Mi.Vida was my first real relationship and I met him when I was almost 25). I was also fearful that I’d never get pregnant or get pregnant only to lose my babies, like my mother had so many times. Still, despite my paralyzing fear that I’d never get here, I knew, just knew deep in my heart, that this was the part of my life I was meant to live. This was the part that would inherently make me happy.
And it has.
There are still rough parts. I still struggle with my finances and worry about how we’ll pay all our bills. I still agonize over all the parts of my daughter’s life that I’m missing while I’m at work. I still fret over how to let Mi.Vida know that he is still a huge priority in my life even though his needs are many times pushed to the back of the line, behind cloth diapers, laundry, grading papers, doing dishes and just plain needing to sleep. I don’t want to say that this life is always easy, because it’s not. But I do want to express how grateful I am for everything I have. How fulfilled I feel with the life I lead. How hopeful I am for the future.
I know that every woman who reads my blog is in a different place in their life. Some are cautiously cradling the hope of a fledgling pregnancy, others are optimistically awaiting a child they’ve nourished for many months. Some have just welcomed their child into the world and others have had weeks and months to become acquainted. Some are embracing the miracle of adoption and still others are embarking on fresh cycles, hoping that a new protocol will bring them what they want, what they need. And some are just hoping against hope that 2011 will be their year, even though they don’t yet know what it will bring them. I also know that some women, too many women, are carrying new grief, and that the new year seems more difficult than they can comprehend.
Please know that I hold each and every one of you close to my heart and I hope with every fiber of my being that this new year makes all of your wishes come true, even if right now that feels impossible.
Happy New Year.