This is really hard

I guess I can follow up a thankful post with a woe is me post, right? That’s not horrible form is it? The reality is, I don’t have much else in me right now. (Funnily enough, I just got a comment where someone mentioned laughing at the fact that my Thankful Post was following a Grumpiness Post. Following and followed by I guess… 😉

I also don’t have much time, so this should be brief, very, very brief. (But it’s not)

I just need to acknowledge the intensity of this horrible, horrible week. Because I feel like this might be the hardest week of my life, at least the hardest that doesn’t involve a tragic loss. I know those are harder and I am so thankful that I’m not enduring some kind of heartwrenching loss, but really, I feel like barring some horrible tragedy, this week could not get much worse.

There are three things going on this week that would make it incredibly hard, in and of themselves. I could manage any of them on their own, but together they have wrought a perfect storm. A perfect shit storm,

The first thing is this graduate school project, from this moment on referred to as the Behemoth. The Behemoth really is, well, a behemoth. The bastard is already 40 pages in 10 font, 1.5 spacing. It will probably pass 60 pages by a significant amount. It involves over 72 prompts, the majority of which are vague, poorly worded and confusing. My professor is basically unreachable and never responds to my emails. Working on this inspires an anger and frustrating that I have never felt before. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve been asked to do, professionally, and also the least understandable. It’s incredibly difficult and is requiring 5+ hours a day to finish on time. I feel like every day I retreat a bit further from the front lines and in the end I’ll have fallen back so far, I will have lost all tactical advantage and my cause will be, quite literally, hopeless. Unfortunately, I’ve already messed up quite substantially on three other, smaller assignments, so I have no cushion to fall back on for this one. If I get a subpar grade I will not pass this class.

As if that weren’t enough, I’m also preparing (or should be) for my return to work in five days. Both emotionally and practically, this is a harrowing task. Emotionally there isn’t so much I can actively do, but it’s definitely making it hard to do other things. I’m constantly feeling sad, depressed and despondent. I’m crying at the drop of a hat (or a spontaneous smile from my daughter). Spending the last week at home with my daughter doing all this other shit is really, really, tearing me apart at my very core. On the practical side I have done NOT ONE THING to prepare for my return to work. I have not decided on lesson plans for the first week, let alone made handouts or copies to implement those lesson plans. This year I have five different preps which means I need to think of five separate activities for each day next week. That is 15 different 50 minute activities. I haven’t even scratched the surface of this task yet. Plus, my room has been “lived in” by a stranger for the past trimester and if it looks anything like I did when I visited last month, I have a lot of organizing to do. While I’m just starting the year, my students have been there, evidently suffering, for the past three months and they will be bouncing off the walls when I return. It’s a difficult situation even when I have time to prepare for it, but I literally do not have that time at all. I have my mother watching my daughter most of tomorrow, so I can go to my room and get ready (the kids have tomorrow off) but I now see I’ll have to spend many hours of that tackling the Behemoth so I truly don’t know how I will get anything done. When I think about going back to work I get mini panic attacks; my chest gets tight and I feel bile rising in my throat, threatening to choke me. It’s a horrible feeling and leaves me exhausted in it’s wake.

Finally, I’m sick and caring for a five month old, while trying not to pass on my scourge while still showering her with affection. This cold I have is brutal and I can’t take anything for it because I’m breastfeeding. My husband got it and has taken two days of off work, and is spending them lounging on the couch. I can’t take any days off and I have to power through without much needed rest. It’s difficult.

Today I went to my last City College Mom and Me class. I teared up during the singing section. I teared up when it came my turn to talk. I couldn’t say proper goodbyes because I was already crying.

I cried most of the way home, talking to my mother.

But then I took a nap, nestled warmly with my daughter in my bed. Those naps, the two of us together, side by side, keeping each other warm, have been my favorite thing these past months. It was nice to share one more with her. And I feel rested and recharged. Ready. Ready to finish this post (that I started at 6:30am this morning). Ready to tackle at least three more prompts in the Behemoth. Ready to wake up tomorrow and tentatively turn the key to my classroom, thus making my return to work a reality.

Ah, what a difference a nap makes.

Maybe I can do this after all…

BUENAS NOTICIAS – I ordered a hot apple cider and it’s warming me up inside. The temperature dropped significantly today, it finally feels like winter – just in time for the holidays.

2 responses

  1. Here from ICLW 🙂 Beautiful blog, though I have to admit that whiteo n black always makes my eyes feel like their 80 years old 😛 I’m sorry you’re going through a rough patch. But know in your heart that all these things shall pass. When I was finishing my Masters, my thesis curriculum was taking FOREVER. The thing is 112 pages long and was driving me insane. I just wanted to get it done, but I also wanted it to be good so I could show it to prospective employers as a testament to how awesome I am. I fretted and moaned about it for a month. When two weeks later someone who didn’t know when it was due asked me how it was coming along. The pain and anguish was almost all but forgotten. When people are about the thesis now, I merely say “oh yeah, right, that thing.” And you will too. Sending prayers and best wishes your way. Hang in there.

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