Revelations

Mi.Vida and I just had a bit of a fight. Or rather I was yelling at him. The details are pretty insignificant but as I spouted grievance after grievance I actually realized what was bothering me. Although Mi.Vida tells Little Bear (i.e. me because I’m holding her) what a “great mommy” I am and how thankful he is that I take such good care of her, I feel like so much of what I do goes unrecognized while much of what I don’t do is pointed out. There is so much that Mi.Vida doesn’t see, like the hours of playing with Isa and the fact that there is so little time to do anything else. He doesn’t see that the bathroom towels get taken down, washed, and hung back up. He doesn’t realize that while many things don’t get picked up off the floor, all the toys and books I’ve taken out during the day to appease Isa do make it back into their rightful spots. And while the dishes from last night might not get done, usually the ones I’ve used during the day do. So I never hear a “thank you for changing, rinsing, storing, washing, drying and putting away Isa’s cloth diapers” which would be fine, except I do hear a “why is the stroller still out and blocking the front hallway?”

Mi.Vida thinks that it all has to do with the fact that I know there are things about our apartment that he doesn’t like hates and so I internalize all the little things I hear him say out of frustration or annoyance. This is probably true. So he’s going to try to be better about not mentioning them so much and I’m going to be better about not getting bent out of shape when he does.

I also realized that I need to let go of my hopes for how Mi.Vida is feeling and how he deals with those feelings. It’s okay if Mi.Vida is not very happy right now. It’s okay if he feels overwhelmed at work, ineffectual at home with Isa and generally tired and worn out. Of course, I’d rather he didn’t feel that way and I will do whatever I can to ease those unpleasant feelings. But I don’t need to do so so desperately. Mi.Vida’s happiness right now doesn’t have to portend the future. I don’t need to feel threatened by his struggles right now.

The truth is, having a baby is a huge transition. Transitions can be very hard but many times they pay off and in the end, you’re happier for having made the change. We may not be happier, right now, that we were a year ago. But I bet in a year we will be happier than we were before we had our daughter. I hope we are much happier. In fact, I’m betting on it. In the meantime I just have to accept that this part is challenging and that each of us handles those challenges distinctly. And that is okay.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – It was a gorgeously warm weekend and I enjoyed being outside in the warmth so much.

4 responses

  1. Yeah. I find myself annoyed when H thanks me for certain insignificant and/or easy things while continuing to complain about the few things I can’t always do (like dishes in the sink after a long day, which ultimately get done by me while preparing dinner…). Of course, I think it goes both ways sometimes. He wants me to praise and thank him for doing things that he considers above and beyond, but to me seem like wastes of time, like putting in landscaping rock along our driveway (which required him digging out my morning glories and zinnias which he called “weeds”…), which took him two eight hour days of outdoor work and multiple trips to the hardware store. And it looks okay, but of all the things that needed to be done, that was at the very, very bottom of the list AND left me on my own to care for the boys, just like I do everytay. Yet he wants “credit” for working hard at something, while I, you know, did the “easy” work of sitting around taking care of babies.

    Guh. I think it just comes from the same place, which is that I really, really, really think that most men (and most childless people) have a skewed view of what goes in to caring for an infant. No, I do not sit on my ass and eat bon-bons all day. I don’t watch soap operas, I don’t paint my toenails all day, I don’t just relax at home– it’s hard work, constant work, unrelenting work, so NO, I didn’t have time to rinse my cereal bowl and put it in the dishwasher, and YES, I resent it when you spend an entire weekend doing a foolish project that prevents me from getting even the semblance of a weekend break.

    Grr.

    Yeah, someday, I’m going to leave a comment again on your blog that doesn’t involve bashing my husband… I love him, but this time is HARD right now.

  2. I’m so glad you can get what you feel off of your chest. So many people hold things in and then explode over something small. Me and my husband had a tiff this weekend and it was needed. Arguments are healthy!
    Things will get better for ya’ll. I know it! ((Hugs))

  3. It’s hard making the transition to having a baby in the house. It will get better and I totally understand the frustration of people not commenting on what you do.

    ~ICLW #18

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