Feeling like a fake

I feel like a fake. Only hours after I published my last post I got an email from a friend relaying that all her genetics testing had come back great and things looked wonderful. Suddenly the week until my own NTU stretched endlessly in front of me and I couldn’t fathom how I’d get through it. I don’t know what from her email could trigger such an intense response, but it did. I went from honestly feeling pretty good about the NTU to needing to know the results RIGHT NOW. That is what it is, it’s needing to know RIGHT NOW. I even emailed my doctor begging her to try to find an earlier appointment. I swear, it’s like I morph into another person that I don’t even recognize.

I’m so sick of feeling this way. I’m so tired of the anxiety and the way it makes time move at a snail’s pace. Rationally I know I’ll make it to next Wednesday some how but there are times when I literally fear the wait will drive me insane. I worry I will not be able to make it to that date which lingers so impossibly far in the future. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s a horrible feeling. I was talking to my mom about it yesterday and I started sobbing. This anxiety is winning. I’m losing the battle, no matter how hard I try to keep it together. I am losing and it’s horrible.

Of course there is medicine, and if I knew that Zoloft would really alleviate my anxiety substantially I would be on it right now, screw the wait until week 16. But I don’t know for sure that it will help and because of that I don’t think of it as a panacea. I’m definitely still considering it (more than considering it, I’m almost assuming I’ll be on it in January) but I don’t assume it will solve all my anxiety related problems. I hope it does help though, or I’m in trouble.

This week has been crazy. I had one of those days yesterday where nothing was ready for any class. I spent all day trying to get up to speed and never got there. It was tough. I also had an appointment at my district office to talk about job sharing next year. Long story short I have pretty much no options and feel devalued as a human being and employee. Now I need to make some hard decisions about what I’m going to do next year. I’ll write about all that more later.

The super cold weather continues plus some nice storms. I have a ton of grad school work due Sunday, and it’s actually due because Sunday is the last day of the class. I’ll be so relieved to be done with grad school for three weeks (at least done with the hard stuff).

I’m feeling sick again. Morning sick. Yesterday I had to dash out of my room (luckily my principal was around to cover me) and throw up my lunch. This morning, after only a few gulps of water, I had to exit the freeway so I could puke all down the side of my car. It was so embarrassing. Today I felt pukey all day and I’m starting to think maybe my “morning” sickness is back for an extended stay. At 13 weeks, I’m really hoping that is not the case.

Now I’m off to my staff holiday party. Mi.Vida and I are telling everyone our “big news” tonight. I hope it goes well.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – Some how, some way, I will be done with this grad school class in about 48 hours.

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