My Story
A portrait by a 5th grade student.
MY STORY (As told by Cliff Notes):
My name is Esperanza (for blog purposes). I’m 30 and Mi.Vida (my amazing partner) is 29. I’ve been battling depression and anxiety for most of my adult life. Three years ago I came out on the other side of prolonged food issues and eating disorders. I’m a control freak who gets very anxious and has been know to be somewhat pessimistic.
I’m a middle school Spanish teacher (though not a native Spanish speaker). Mi.Vida left a big firm job to be an attorney for a conscientious non-profit. Neither of us makes much money and we’re scrapping by in the very expensive city of San Francisco.
We’ve been TTC since March of 2009. I started preparing myself through acupuncture many months before because I have a history of amenorrhea (AWOL periods).
On July 3rd, my first pregnancy was determined to be ectopic. I had a MVA (manual vacuum aspiration) to be sure the pregnancy was in my tube and then two shots of methotrexate to “resolve” it.
The MTX shots left me with horrible abdominal discomfort for over two weeks. The MVA left me with intense bleeding for over three weeks.
The lost pregnancy left me with a huge whole in my heart and a mess of confusion in my head.
I’m spent many months in therapy attempting to pick up the pieces. Reconciling a complicated pregnancy loss with anxiety and depression was difficult but I’m trying to find my way.
I’ve explored Buddhism to help me through the crushing uncertainty of this journey. I found (and continue to find) solace in the teachings of mindfulness, being attentive to the present moments and loving-kindness. I also find it difficult to practice these teachings in my everyday life.
In October of 2009 I found out I was pregnant once again. My pregnancy was shrouded in anxiety and depression but I still managed to enjoy it immensely. My daughter was born happy and healthy in early June. On that day my story became that of a mother. This blog continues as I stumble gracefully through motherhood.
MY STORY (At this blog’s inception)
The following was posted on my blog at it’s inception. I eventually took it down, but I could not just delete it. It captures who I was when I started this blog and is a reminder of why this record now exists:
The role of “mother” has always been an inextricable part of my identity; I’ve waited my whole life to fulfill that role. I met the love of my life (Mi.Vida) in 2006 and convinced him to start a family with me three years (and much persistence) later. I’ve been going to acupuncture and taking Chinese herbs to help regulate cycles that used to stop completely without medical intervention. Anxiety, depression and ADD have been big pieces of my puzzle for the entirety of my adult life; I just stopped taking medication before I started trying to get pregnant. I practice yoga and meditation and am exploring the beliefs of Buddhism to help me navigate the uncertainty of this journey.
My first pregnancy was deemed ectopic at 6 weeks. Being pregnant for two weeks was one of the best experiences of my life. Saying good-bye to my baby was one of the hardest. I’ve been on a roller coaster ride of grief and healing since my little one left me too soon. I’m now trying to pick myself up again – a little less hopeful and a lot less whole.
I’m writing this blog because my struggle to start a family has become so entangled in the rest of my identity that I can’t imagine extracting my former self. It colors almost every thought, feeling and moment of my life. I feel completely lost in this new, uncertain world where the compass of my previous life only spins frantically. I’ve spent a great deal of time and money reading books about loss, infertility, trying to conceive, adoption and choosing a life without children. The message boards peopled by women with similar stories are my safest haven. I’m trying to face my fears with acceptance instead of become paralyzed by them. I strive to be mindful of the present moment and its unwavering impermanence, instead of chaining myself to a past I can’t change and a future I can’t control.
I know others are experiencing similar journeys of heartache and crisis. I know they feel alone like all of us who have joined the sisterhood of woman who suffer in silence. I hope they can come here to feel supported and to give support. I hope they can laugh and cry, vent and accept, cultivate clarity and harbor hope. Most of all I hope they can find a community of people who understands them and loves them for who they are and who they hope to be.
Esperanza means “hope” in Spanish. It is my message board name and the word etched in the fertility bracelet I wear every day. I aspire to have hope in my life again. I aspire to find the happiness that accompanies such a noble pursuit. Thank you for joining me on my journey.
