Pacing

I want so badly to write something here but I can’t. Monito can’t sleep, despite wanting to desperately. We’ve been trying to put him down for three hours. It’s 11:30pm and we’re both exhausted. But until this baby goes to sleep, no one else can.

Right now I have him swaddled and nestled in the Moby and I’m pacing the hall, listening to Game of Thrones and typing this on my phone. I really hope I can keep back the hacking coughs that have woken him up a few times before.

It’s Wednesday night. Our wedding is in 2.5 days and I’m wholly unprepared. Just thinking about it makes me break out in a panicky sweat. I don’t know when I’m going to get my vows written or research wedding photography or even just buy some bobby pins. The most frustrating part is that I have both sets of grandparents waiting in the wings to take my kids, but Osita basically refuses to go. She hasn’t been away from my side once in the past 12 days and it’s starting to feel suffocating. I’m not used to not getting a break; even when she’s not in school she usually spends some time with my parents or Mi.Vida’s, but right now she just won’t go with either of them. And with her around I can’t get anything done. It’s so frustrating.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’m more focused on Monday right now than Saturday. On Monday I get to drop Osita off at school and spend six glorious hours alone with my baby boy. I love my daughter but after 16 days with her stuck to my side, I really, REALLY will need a break. Seriously, I don’t know how SAHMs do it. My hats off to you. I would go completely fucking mad.

Well Monito is passed out on my chest. I have to admit, I’m enjoying it immensely. With Osita so intent on spending every waking moment with me, I feel like I neglect my baby boy. The evenings, when Osita is finally asleep, are the only times I get to be with him uninterrupted. And I will admit, I rather enjoy it. If it weren’t for the abject exhaustion–and all the stuff around the house I can’t do until the kids are in bed–I wouldn’t care when he finally fell asleep.

Man, this parenting two kids thing is so difficult. Most days it feels almost impossible. And yet we do it, because what other choice do we have?

I hope the first day of your new year was a happy one. Abiding with you all.

{And I’ve put him to sleep twice now and twice he’s woken up. I’m trying to let him fuss it out but I don’t want to him to wake Osita. Good god boy! It’s after midnight! Go the fuck to sleep!!!!}

~ by Esperanza on January 1, 2014.

4 Responses to “Pacing”

  1. Oh, E, I empathize. This holiday break has reiterated to me I am not cut out to be a SAHM. I feel horrible thinking that let alone saying it, but it has been a frustrating few weeks. Constant “Mommy, mommy, mommy…” I don’t feel rested; I feel trapped and that makes me sad & guilty. And then D will come & snuggle & give me a kiss and all is forgiven. It’s hard.

    I cannot wait to see pictures of the wedding!

  2. Oh GOD the constant “mommy mommy mommy” whining from both of them for the past 2 weeks has worn me down. Its the paradox of staying at home with small children…I love snuggling with them and meeting their needs and complying with their “watch this Mommy. MOMMY!” until I don’t. The “don’t” happened at some point yesterday afternoon and I’m very happy to be at work in my quiet office today.
    The best days of mat leave with #2 were when the 2 year old went to daycare, husband went to work, and baby and I snuggled and watched hours and hours of TV in the basement.

  3. Hugs. It will get easier, it really will. Christmas break is such a hard time for kids. D goes back on Monday with students and I know our son Aiden will be heartbroken that his dad is leaving. D on the other hand said today “I’m kind of looking forward to going back to teaching b/c it’s easier than being home with the kids all day.” HA, he realizes how much work being a SAHM is for me then! LOL I’m thinking your wedding will be perfect and beautiful!

  4. I AM a SAHM and I have had ENOUGH of this Christmas break! I’m ready for G to go back to school, R to work, and C and I to resume our regular activities (a lot of which I get to leave her in childcare for a few hours at a time). It’s so hard to have day after day after day with kids at home. Enjoy that baby boy sleeping on your chest- gah, I miss that!

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