Yesterday was a low point. I was very lucky to have two wonderful friends help me through and today I’m feeling much better. The most important change is that I talked to the sub and she is fine with me working next week. She will take other jobs at our school and hopefully, if I leave early, she can switch with the sub that is assigned to my classroom so that she’ll be in there the whole time I’m away. If not, the kids will survive. I have plans ready for a different person to be in there every day, so whatever happens is fine. I’m scheduled to be out starting the 21st no matter what, but I’m okay with that. That is my choice.
I can’t tell you how much I better I feel being in control of that situation. I hated the idea of being out when I didn’t need to be. It made me so panicky that he wouldn’t come. I know a lot of people can’t understand why I wouldn’t want to take advantage of an extra week off, but our financial situation is so dire that I would have been way more stressed spending a week at home “relaxing” than I would have being at work. One of the reasons I chose to be part time this year was so that working until my due date wouldn’t be so hard. I already took that financial blow, we can’t afford another. And now that I’m completely planned, I’m not worried at all about leaving at the last minute, with no warning. I know everything is where it needs to be at school for someone else to step in. Plus next week will be a breeze because it’s already all put together. I will hardly have to do a thing. It’s the best of both worlds, really. And it greatly alleviates my stress.
So now I feel ready to wait for this baby to come on his own time. I keep reminding myself of where I am in relation to my original due date, so much so that I’ve kind of abandoned my adjusted due date altogether. I do think he’ll come on or near my adjusted due date, but with a first baby that came two weeks early, It feels more natural to think of him as coming early for my original due date than coming on time for my adjusted due date. On Saturday I’ll be 37 weeks (not adjusted) and finally feel totally comfortable with Monito making his way into the world. And while I’m still concerned about having a large baby that totally destroys my vag, I’m not letting myself stress too much about that until the final weeks of October.
All in all, I’m in a much better place than I was at the beginning of the week. The frenzy of finishing my sub plans is over. The panicked stress of having to leave work before I wanted to has been resolved. Now I can just settle in and take it one day at a time until he decides to get here. And when the inevitable anxiety that something might go wrong pops up, I can work through it like I have been for the last nine months.
It should be said, though, that I’ve requested an Rx for Zo.loft from my psychiatrist, who is out of the office until next Tuesday. I’m definitely going to start taking that ASAP because the depression and anxiety I’ve felt these past weeks are not what I would consider “normal” and I do think they warrant professional attention. I will also feel better if I’m making a pre-emptive strike against PPD, which I’m even more scared of having this time than I was last time.
I’m sorry my posts have been the same thing every day this week. I definitely feel like next week I can tackle some actual topics of interest (and I’ve had a few really surprising conversations with people that have inspired posts I really want to write) so please don’t abandon me yet. I promise I’ll offer something worth reading (or will do my best to) in the coming days.
Happy Friday all! I hope you have a wonderful weekend. I think I will.