Have you ever put something out there, and when you got no response, you started to second guess yourself? And you realized that when people respond to your thoughts it’s not just to lend support or lift you up, it’s also to assure that they agree, that they are of like mind on the issue. And as the silence stretches your mind starts to turn in circles and you want to back pedal and you re-visit what you said and you wonder if it was what you said or how you said it that kept everyone silent.
Suddenly all these doubts and fears surface and you’re not sure where they came from. And then you realize they had been inside you all along, the silence just coaxed them to the surface.
I think I have wondered, every time I have written about it, if ambivalence is accepted in this community. In a group where women are so desperate to have a child, would literally do anything in their power to bring a life into the world, is there room for those who oscillate, who sometimes fear the intense reality of that awesome act? Sometimes I wonder, if I’m not in this 100%, should I even be writing about it at all? Can I lay claim to the horrible pain of this journey in one post and then explore my fears of actually reaching the other side in another? Is that right? Is that fair? The answers aren’t clear, especially when women who have not yet achieved a viable pregnancy, or have walked away from the hope of every having one, are reading.
The truth is, I want another baby very, very much. But I also want a nurturing relationship and a fulfilling job and stable finances and my own mental health. And I’ve lived my own life long enough to know that for me, those things may be mutually exclusive.
I also worry about the path I’m choosing to take. Will people resent the fact that I’m turning my back, for the time being, on Western medicine to instead embrace Eastern beliefs about the female body and what it is capable of? In all the hundreds of blogs I’ve read over the years I’ve ONLY ONCE come across anyone who chose diet changes, acupuncture, Chinese herbs and body work over Western medicine. Some have used it in conjunction with treatments, but I’ve never read of anyone forgoing treatments to pursue Eastern treatments completely.
Of course I’m not doing that, at least not completely. I’m putting my Western treatments on hold. But the truth is, the more I examine my life, and our finances, and how I feel about all of this, the less sure I am of what Western interventions I’m going to pursue. I just don’t know if that is the right path for me.
All I do know for sure is that when I think about the few IUIs we could afford, the medications, the probable injections, the tests, the appointments, the financial stress, the meager chances of success, the possible regret, I’m filled with nothing but dread. In that world I have a horrible diagnosis that all but guarantees I will not respond well to treatments. In that world I am expected to fail before I’ve even begun.
But when I think of Eastern treatments, when I explore how I can support my own body to do what it is meant to do, I don’t feel broken at all. I feel whole, or on a path to wholeness. I feel hope.
And I don’t know how my beliefs are going to be received. I feel like I’m doing things differently, and I worry that other women will think I’m judging them based on the fact that I’m not doing things they way they did them. Even though each couple, each situation, each diagnosis is different, and I would never argue that my path is the right one for someone else. I would never try to convince someone to do what I’m doing, but I worry that just in writing about it, it will seem that I’m doing just that.*
It’s interesting, this post uncovered thoughts and fears I didn’t even realize I had. I am so thankful for this space, in this community, that pushes me to look inside myself, to know myself more fully.
Like so many times before, what I thought were fears about how others saw my choices were actually my own fears about those choices. Am I prepared to trust in my own body, to have the patience and acceptance to give it the time it needs? Is my desire to walk this path really just a fear of the other one? Is my ambivalence about having another child genuine? Or just another disguise for my crushing fear of failure? These are the questions this post is really about. Not whether or not other people accept me.
Thirst post is not about second guessing what I said or how people took it. This post is about second guessing how I feel myself.