Valentine’s Day – Forever My Nemesis
It’s Valentines. For the great majority of my life I never had a Valentine. In fact, I was never in a relationship before meeting Mi.Vida at the ripe old age of 25. I know it might not seem like a big deal to spend all of your high school, college and early-twenties years single, but when all your friends are in relationships, and experiencing the things that people in relationships experience, that many years alone feels like a long time.
Spending all those years waiting for someone to love you, wondering why no one loves you–one can start to feel unlovable.
I hated Valentine’s Day during those years. Loathed it. It was an annual reminder of my loveless state. Every year it was like a slap in my face and I spent it alone, the sole Valentine I received most years was from my mother.
I still don’t like Valentine’s Day much, but my reasons have changed.
Valentine’s Day reminds me of that loneliness, of the paralyzing fear that there was something inherently wrong with me, that I would never find someone to love, or to love me.
I’m the kind of person that enjoys tokens of affection. I like getting little presents and cards on days like these. I know it’s silly, but I like knowing that someone thought of me ahead of time, that they wanted to show me how much they loved me. That they cared enough to go out and get me a little something. I always showed my own love that way and so I kind of expect that if someone loves me, they will do the same.
Mi.Vida is not into present giving. His family just doesn’t do it, not for big things like birthdays and Christmas and definitely not for Hallmark holidays like Valentine’s Day. It’s been a hard transition for me but I’ve gotten there. Almost. Most of the time I’m fine to let go of my old present buying/receiving obsession. Most of the time I’m totally fine ignoring this pink and red heart-themed holiday.
And then a colleague at work get’s two dozen roses delivered to the staff room and I can’t help but think how nice it would be to receive a similar token of my partner’s love. How amazing it would feel for everyone else to see how much he cares for me. For me to see it, up on display.
It’s silly, because I know he does care, I have no doubt that he does love me. And just because I was accustomed to showing love in that way doesn’t mean Mi.Vida doesn’t do love me if he fails to do the same. My mind is completely aware of this – and so is my heart – so why does it still hurt sometimes?
And why do I want to have something to show people? Why do I need that little token to hang on to? I’ve spent the last year ruthlessly disposing of all manner of silly tokens just like the ones people give on this holiday – what would I even want Mi.Vida to give me?
It’s strange, to not understand the motives of one’s feelings. I hope that someday I’ll be able to figure it all out, and that Valentine’s Day will stop causing me the angst it does now.
I guess for now I’ll just cling to the Valentines that I do have, and for whom I’m so, so thankful.
Oh Valentines Day. I just commented on Rachel’s post, which was similar, that the worst fights Darcy and I have ever had were on Valentine’s Day. He’s like you: he wants lots of thoughtful cards and gifts. And, I feel like I never measure up and so don’t deliver. Before we got married, Valentines Day was a reminder of the question, when is this guy ever going to propose, and so the whole evening was a slow simmer of resentment on my part that would usually explode into some big fight over a cab or something dumb.
My point? I kinda hate Valentine’s Day.
I don’t think it’s silly at all to want to have tokens of affection on whatever day or even Valentine’s Day. It may not be HIS way or his family’s, but it would mean SO MUCH to you. So, please consider asking him if he would change his non gifting ways to acknowledge your fondest wish – it’s amazing to give a gift to someone who REALLY appreciates it. He might even start to enjoy it.
I’ve struggled with this, too. (I feel like we may have talked about this before, ’cause I’m feeling some deja vu.) For me, it was Mother’s Day, not Valentine’s Day–also one of those Hallmarky type holidays that kinda mean nothing. Because, you know, I am lucky enough to *be* a mom at all, you know? It’s something to celebrate every day. Which is the same with Valentine’s Day. Shouldn’t we acknowledge our gratitude and love for our partners and loved ones every day? Blah, blah, blah. Of course.
I say this, and still I am hard to please on these kinds of days. I would be PISSED if N sent me roses or gave me a heart-shaped box of candy on Valentine’s Day. How trite, yo.
Anyway, I feel you on this.
I have similar memories of being single and ALONE on so many Valentines days. Ugh. This year, I adamantly told Ryan NO GIFTS, but now i feel bad because I know how much he loves to give me things. So I feel like I’ve stolen a gift from him by not letting him buy me something ridiculous. Ugh, stupid Valentines Day!
I so relate to this post. All those years of not having someone to celebrate love with, and now that I do have someone, we don’t celebrate it anyway. I try to be fine with this because, like you said, I don’t doubt the love. But it would be nice to have some outward expression of it sometimes. Some grand gesture. I guess we’re just not grand gesture type of people. Maybe you could start another kind of Valentines tradition, maybe not involving gifts, but a different way to show your love.
I’m with Daryl. You’ve already admitted that you don’t really want the stuff that he’d give you. Chocolate and flowers are so … common, anyway, aren’t they? And you two are unique, uncommon, creative people. So how about agreeing to *do* something together every Valentines Day, or even better … on the day *after* Valentines Day … and plan the kind of thing well in advance (like the year before) so that no one has to rush out at the last minute? And you have plenty of notice … it’s a standing engagement that neither one of you will miss?
Is there something music-related that Mi.Vida might like to do/give?
Wow, I feel like I could’ve written this post! All my phone conversations with K today were all business, brief and to the point. I was feeling annoyed at how unromantic it was, until I realized they were all about planning for him to come home from W. Africa early, so he could get back to work & support his family. Doesn’t that say love more than a heart-shaped box of chocolates?
As to why it bothers you (& me), though, here’s what I think: part of being loved is feeling known. If the trinkets are important to you, and Mi.Vida isn’t buying them, it makes you feel like he doesn’t really *know* what you want. Which makes you feel less loved. I think that’s how it works for me, anyway.
I feel very lucky not to care much about this particular day but I still understand where you are coming from. I think the social pressure revolving around it is very difficult to ignore, especially when you are young and single. Many years like that are bound to leave a mark.
Still, forced romance is not particularly romantic after all. It’s a bit of a trap.
I understand… dh & his family are not big into holidays either, especially the Hallmark ones. I don’t need chocolate, & I can’t see buying flowers when they jack up the prices so horribly for that one day. And yet I can’t help but be envious when someone gets a bouquet delivered to the office.
I love those ads where the husband pulls out two plane tickets & surprise! they’re going to Paris!! I would love it if he ever did something like that for me — even a getaway weekend at a downtown hotel — but realistically, I know it’s not gonna happen.
I should say, though, he surprised me with a Pandora charm for my bracelet for my birthday. We rarely exchange gifts on our birthdays; just cards & a dinner out. So he CAN pull it out of the hat, once in awhile. ; )