The silence of our society

Two interesting things happened today. They were not related, per say, except that they very much were.

First, I randomly checked out the site xoJane, on a recommendation from a friend.

There I found an article on fat-shaming. As I read it I realized that I harbor a subtle, but real, prejudice towards over weight people. It’s not that I don’t feel compassion toward them, and I would never treat anyone differently because of their weight, but there is judgment there too. As I was lamenting this fact to my friend, she asked me where my prejudice came from. I honestly couldn’t say, except to guess that it was from my mother. My mom has made some pretty cruel declarations about over weight people in her life, and weight and body image are probably the only things that have ever come between us.

I never once considered that I inherited that prejudice not just from my mom but from society at large.

Right after this exchange with my friend, I came across the following (amazing) article on HuffPo. I highly recommend you read it.

In the article, Glennon Melton chides our society for brushing aside the bullying epidemic plaguing our nation’s youth with declarations such as, “Kids these days — they can be so cruel.” She goes on to clarify the actual origins of the bullying epidemic, pointing the finger right back at us, as a society.

Children are not cruel. Children are mirrors. They want to be “grown-up.” So they act how grown-ups act when we think they’re not paying attention. They believe what we believe. They say what we say. And we have taught them that gay people are not okay. That overweight people are not okay. That Muslim people are not okay. Through our words and actions we send the message that these people aren’t equal and they should be feared. We know that people hurt the things they fear. What kids are doing in the schools, is what adults do in the media. The only difference is that children bully in the hallways and the cafeterias while we bully from behind pulpits and legislative benches and in one-liners on sitcoms.

Amen sister. A – fucking – men.

I have also watched bully epidemic carefully. As a teacher it is something that I deal with every day at work. As a member of a middle school staff I have received multiple trainings of spotting and stopping bullying in my classroom and in my school. We teach emotional intelligence curriculum in an attempt to preemptively combat cruel language and deter behavior that excludes or belittles students.

I absolutely believe that schools need to be not only aware of this issue but also attempting to address it. At the same time, I think it’s a grave error to expect them to shoulder all of the responsibility. Like so many problems that come to a head in the pressure cooker of American schools, much of what we see are symptoms of what is happening at home, or in our society in general.

I think Glennon Melton is right on when she calls us out as the cause of bullying in America. How can we possibly feign bewilderment when adolescents bully gay or overweight or different-looking people, when we exclude gays from the institution of marriage? When we propose higher cost health care coverage to overweight people? When we threaten to close our borders to the immigrants of neighboring countries? When we attack the places of worship where G-d’s name starts with A?

Children are mirrors and they watch us carefully. Not only do they see what we do and hear what we say, but they see what we don’t do and hear what we fail to say. They notice when we don’t stand up for others, when we let slights against them go unpunished, or worse yet when those who speak or act ill towards others are exonerated, even celebrated.

As a society we need to take responsibility for the messages we send our children. If we single out others, mark them as different, exclude them in any way we cannot claim ignorance when our children do the same. We can certainly teach our children about emotional intelligence and model inclusive behavior at our schools, but no amount of those efforts can overwrite what they see at home and on television every single day.

This month we are focusing on “responsibility” at my school. After Martin Luther King Jr Day the following quote was read over the loud speaker:

“In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. – Martin Luther King Jr.

Well said, MLK, but I wonder if we could extend that sentiment a little. Maybe in the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our society. Maybe that is exactly what our children are doing when they bully a peer to the point of attempted (or successful) suicide. Maybe that is exactly what are children are doing when they feel so hopeless and small that suicide feels like the only option. Maybe that is exactly what we’re doing when we pretend we can’t understand why our children are hurting each other this way.

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~ by Esperanza on January 27, 2012.