Blogotopia?

Technical difficulties have resulted in myriad (and erroneous) versions of this being posted. The currently published version should be accurate. Sorry for any confusion.

When I started my blog I felt like the new girl in the neighborhood – I didn’t yet have any friends and I hardly knew who anybody was. Luckily I had a few TTC board acquaintances in the blogosphere and through them (and their blogrolls) I met others. I kept putting myself out there, saying hi to people that seemed interesting and slowly but surely I had a pretty significant group of friends to call my own.

For a while I felt like the blogosphere was a social utopia. For a time it was almost like an addiction. I realized I enjoyed it much more than social encounters happening in my every day life. In the blogosphere I was able to participate in thoughtful conversations with smart, like-minded women about issues relevant to my own life. In the blogosphere I could give and receive support. When things went wrong in my life I had someone with whom to commiserate. When things went well I had women who were thrilled to celebrate my triumphs.

The best part was, I could participate in the blogosphere on my own schedule. During the late nights home alone, in the wee hours of the morning before anyone was awake, I could reach out and be heard. I could reach out and hear someone else. The blogosphere was a truly magical place where I could nurture deep and meaningful relationships despite my hectic, isolating schedule and the harrowing distances between me and my friends. The blogosphere literally offered me all the most rewarding aspects of a social life with few of the bad. Despite the lack of face to face time with my friend, the whole set up seemed almost idyllic.

Except somewhere along the line, it changed. I’m not sure when, why or even how it happened, but recently I’ve realized that the blogosphere – my precious, perfect blogosphere -is starting to take on the qualities and characteristics of complicated and tedious real world social experiences. Suddenly the blogosphere feels more like a real relationship than the ideal, virtual replica of one it once was.

I guess, if I look more closely, the blogosphere has never been perfect. There have been many times during my stay here that I’ve experienced the heartache and paranoia of giving more than I get. I’ve spent many months commenting on the blogs of women who never, or rarely, commented back. I’ve wondered if I said the wrong thing, if people didn’t like me or if I wasn’t good enough. I’ve worried that my story wasn’t tragic enough, that people found it impossible to relate to me, or worse, that they felt I was an impostor and didn’t belong. But the beauty of the blogosphere is you can choose to walk away and when there is a plethora of individuals to interact with, unrequited attention doesn’t sting quite so much.

But upon closer inspection, the blogosphere contains all the pitfalls of more conventional social settings: the popular and not-so popular bloggers, the women who want desperately to be noticed but aren’t, the cattiness and the bickering, the dismissals and the insults, the mob mentality. All these negatives exist in the blogosphere, though they may be easier to avoid than in the real world. I guess I always looked past the posturing and mean-spirited back and forth I encountered in the blogosphere. Perhaps, never being a target, I could maintain my belief that is was still, somehow, idyllic.

Later, as I become closer to my blogging buddies, I noticed the burden of commitment invading my blogging experience. I felt an obligation to post in my own space, coupled with an even greater obligation to leave thoughtful comments on the posts of my friends. If I didn’t have time to respond to a recent post I felt guilty and upset. Just like in real-life relationships I felt a very real responsibility to participate in my friend’s dialogues. Some where along the way that obligation became a more like a burden. Even as I recognized that I was putting the onus on myself, that none of my blogging buddies had these expectations of me, I couldn’t quell the insistence that I needed to be present for my friends.

More recently, as my blogging circle has expanded, I’ve been given more opportunities to participate in this social arena with truly extraordinary and talented women. Participating in blog hops and arranging tandem posts tackling the same topic have been incredibly rewarding experiences that strengthen both my writing skills and my bonds with my fellow bloggers. But like all gratifying social situations they require a lot of time, effort and commitment. Suddenly I have timelines and due dates. Suddenly the blogosphere does not operate on my schedule but instead my docket of to-dos must accommodate the blogosphere. And of course I could always opt out of these little get-togethers but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Have you ever been invited to a party and you’re sure it will be a lot of fun but you also know that going means you need to dress up and suffer your super cute but toe pinching black boots (along with the sting of make-up remover when you get home) and you’ll need to get a cab there and back which costs a fortune and the whole thing sounds like a massive amount of work but a lot of friends will be there and it will probably be a really good time and you know you’ll regret not going, you just KNOW it? Or have you ever simply wanted to stay home when your friend invites you to dinner because you just took off your bra and changed out of your work clothes but you feel like only the worst friend wouldn’t go? Do you ever say yes to stuff because you worry that if you start to say no to things people will stop inviting you? That is how I feel about my commitments in the blogosphere. There is a small part of me that worries that by declining current opportunities I’ll somehow miss out on future prospects as well. I also don’t want to miss out because 9 times out of ten rearranging my schedule and sacrificing a little “me” time is worth it in the end. Most of the time I’m glad I stuck to my commitment and that makes me want to stick to future commitments as well, just like in the real world, with my IRL friends.

I guess that is just it. As the social network I’ve cultivated in the blogosphere becomes richer and fuller, the people I’ve met have become better friends. The women I interact with via the Internet are no longer virtual acquaintances but authentic allies. I want to stand behind them and support their endeavors just as I would expect they’d do for me. I feel an obligation to participate in their activities because I care about them and want them to succeed. I also find it fulfilling and gratifying to participate in the dialogues inspired by these bold and well-written women.

Frankly I am surprised by how much my blogging social life now mirrors my real-life social life. I’m a little alarmed by how the weight I sometimes sense on my shoulders. Recently one blog buddy threw a virtual baby shower for another blog buddy and despite “attendance” by many of my friends (and a tremendous amount of self-imposed guilt) I couldn’t bring myself to “go.” For some reason – despite the fact that I love this blogger very much and I’m nothing but thrilled for her soon-to-arrive miracle, despite the fact that I have my own daughter and should be very much “over” these feelings by now – the whole thing made me feel depressed, uncomfortable and ungrateful, not too mention stricken by my culpable conscious. I was also embarrassed that I couldn’t afford a decent present, or the postage to send it, when everyone else was giving such thoughtful gifts. I absolutely felt as distressed for avoiding that social event as I ever have for bowing out of some real life social obligation. My reaction was surprisingly visceral and it caused me to examine this whole supposedly “virtual” social life more seriously.

The reality is, the blogosphere is my primary social arena. The women I’ve met there are as much my friends as anyone I’ve shared a coffee or dinner with. My interaction with them – via blog comments, Twitter and Facebook – happens more frequently and is more open and meaningful than my interactions with real-life friends. As the isolation of TTC struggles, loss and then new motherhood have taken hold, the blogosphere has increasingly become my social outlet. I suppose it isn’t surprising that it should take on the characteristics, both good and bad, or a real life social arena. I guess, that is to be expected.

I suppose what I’ve always suspected is true: the more meaningful something is, the less it can resemble a utopia.

What has been your experience with the blogging world? Did ever resemble a social utopia? Has that ever changed?

For another perspective on how Twitter and the blogosphere fail to offer a social utopia, check out The Misadventures of Missokay’s blog today! Her outlook is honest and eye opening and I’m honored to tackle this issue along with her.

~ by Esperanza on October 31, 2011.