Feeling stressed about food

I have no time to be writing this. It’s 4:30 and I have barely started one of the two grad school assignments that I’m supposed to have finished by 9pm tonight. I can easily ask for an extention and I probably will, so it’s not getting them done in time that’s stressful, but just getting them done. Because if I don’t get them done tonight, I need to finish them sometime next week, when I should be working on the next grad school assignments.

I’m writing this because I just had a minor break down with Mi.Vida. It was a break down centered around our CSA farm box, around time to cook, and most basically around food.

We have had issues with our box for a long time. I’m a picky eater who hasn’t historically enjoyed fruits and veggies very much. I’m also lazy and historically have hated to cook. I’ve become better at both but they are still not my favorite things in the world. We started getting a box after taking it for a couple of weeks when a friend was out of town. We liked the way it made us eat more healthily and cook more. So we decided to get one ourselves. It causes me a lot of stress because again, I’m not a big fan of a lot of what comes in the box and I hate to make time to cook whatever that stuff is, especially on the week days. Mi.Vida is much more positive about the box and puts all of it away every Wednesday, right after throwing away what we didn’t end up eating. He is “in charge” of the box and does a good job with that responsibility. I basically refuse to let it stress me out more than it already does and he is accepting of that stance.

Anyway, lately we’ve been really bad about using what is in the box. I started complaining about it again and we had a few “conversations” concerning what we should do (whether we should keep getting it or not). Today we had another one of those conversations, mostly because we haven’t cooked anything from it (we got it Wednesday) and we’re both really busy today and didn’t know when or what we would cook. So I get all defensive about it and Mi.Vida follows suit. Then I start to feel sick and go lie down (without saying why I was lying down) and Mi.Vida gets frustrated and walks away. So I realize I’m feeling very stressed out because the stir fry we’re talking about making quickly tonight doesn’t sound at all enticing, even though I’ve loved it in the past, and I’m reminded suddenly that nothing I used to like seems enticing anymore and then I’m back in the living room talking to Mi.Vida again.

And this time, it all comes flooding out. I just lose it, saying that I feel like I spend all day every day thinking about food and feeling sick, and what I can eat and when, to not feel sick. I’m constantly planning out when I’m eating and how long I can last until I have to eat again and what I’ll get where if I start feeling sick and it’s totally exhausting. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten in my car without saltines, then found myself stuck in traffic trying not to dry-heave because I feel so bad again. I eat all the time and I don’t enjoy most of it. I only want to eat white foods and I’m getting more and more heartburn after each meal. The whole thing has taken over my life in a very negative way. And even today, when I don’t feel that bad, and I’m certainly not debilitated by it, I’m still not interested in eating a good-for-me stir fry that I usually really, really enjoy.

I think today, for the first time, I realized how much all of this has been affecting me. I’m also starting to realize that if I do lose this pregnancy, I will not only be devastated but I will also be angry – angry that I spent all this time feeling this way and for nothing. I have a new found sympathy for people who lose their pregnancies in week 9, 10, 11, 12. I can only imagine anything later. Early pregnancy is so hard in so many ways, and the whole time you’re not even sure if it’s going to amount to anything.

So tonight I’m going to make stir fry and hope that I can eat it. Then I’m going to go back to grad school work and be resigned to the fact that I’m going to have to a ton more to do Monday, Tuesday and definitely Wednesday when I don’t have work. Thank goodness I have therapy again tomorrow.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – Mi.Vida got me the new Magic Mouse and I had to install 10.6 to use it. 10.6 is AWESOME and the new Magic Mouse it too. Suddenly navigating my 100 page grad school document doesn’t seem so bad.

~ by Esperanza on November 8, 2009.